Darkness Falls
by Ms Sticha
Summary: Shepard lost hope and is loose on the Citadel. Is anyone safe?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is a little writing challenge I've created for myself for an idea I woke up with this morning. It's pretty simple: For one week I'll write a short bit each day, post it at the end of the day, and hope I have a cohesive short story made of several small parts by the end of the week. It'll be a bit rough, so please bear with me as there may be some small errors I miss.

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Sharp clicks echoed through the CIC, getting louder as they approached the cockpit. Only two people aboard felt sexy legs were worth the risk of a blown ankle… well, aside from him, but they didn't need to know that. Besides, it wasn't his ankle on the line. Samara disappeared into the Citadel as soon as they landed, hot on the trail of an important lead of some sort or another, so that only left one possible person. He started speaking to her before he fully turned around.

"Hey Miranda, any idea when Shepard will be back? I'm ordering food and wanted… to… time…" Joker's words drifted away along with his ability to form complete thoughts. The sight before him rendered him absolutely speechless, which was a feat unto itself.

A strange, twisted version of Shepard approached the front of the ship. They'd known one anther most of their lives, yet this was a look he'd never seen before – never even imagined possible. It looked as though Jack and Miranda actually worked together for the first time, taking the most scandalous parts of their respective wardrobes and throwing them together, and the result was the barely-clad demon doll heading straight for him. In their respective wardrobes Miranda always looked self-assured and almost classy, and Jack was… well, terrifying, but Shepard trumped them both somehow. Shepard made it look deadly – hot (though he would never admit that as long as he lived), but deadly.

Ridiculously high heels of Shepard's polished black boots clicked with each long stride, her hips swaying dangerously to the staccato beat. The body of the footwear blended seamlessly with the shiny, formfitting pants hugging her curves, while two thick straps of the same material crisscrossed her chest, covering the bare minimum and nothing more before merging with the pants on each side to form some bastardized jumpsuit. Pale alabaster glowed in sharp contrast to the dark material, highlighting the fine web of unhealed scars lacing her skin peeking from the plunging neckline and cutouts along her torso, back, and sides of her chest, creating the image of cracked glass that was too strong and stubborn to shatter.

"Oh… um… hey Shepard, I didn't know you were back already," Jeff stuttered, attempting to fill the awkward silence that fell over them once he realized he'd been staring. Concern knotted his gut when there was no response, so he searched her face for clues. He was adept at reading her after years of practice.

Shepard's short, fire-red hair was slicked away from her face to provide a clear view, but she was unreadable. Her lips paled from being pursed together, the lack of color more startling in contrast with the glowing orange scars across her face pulsing to the rapid beat of her heart. There was no eye contact. That was the crucial ingredient, and she knew it, so her eyes focused into a thousand-yard-stare on a point above his head.

"So… how'd things go with Anderson?"

"I'm going out and won't be back tonight." Shepard outright avoided the question, which was all the answer he needed. A long black coat with an oversized hood slid over her body as she spoke and her figure instantly disappeared into the murky shadows within. The clasps across her chest molded the top of the loose garment to her ample figure as the rest flowed freely around her, but at least she was covered.

"Where're you heading, an ancient Druid festival? Is it a solstice or something? I mean, really, what's with the Bondage-Barbie get-up?" Joker was desperate, throwing everything out to goad a reaction, but there was none; Shepard merely focused on the door in front of her. The button chimed as she pressed it and waited. Time was running out.

"What the hell's going on?" Joker outright demanded. He was scared for his best friend, knowing full well how much she struggled with everything that happened to her, which was totally understandable; she was forging new territory and nobody really knew how to guide her through it, yet she somehow held on by her fingernails and made it look effortless to everyone she'd kept at a distance, but he knew of the struggle. Then Horizon happened. There was no more hiding it. Even the newbies on the ship grew concerned for her wellbeing after that fiasco, momentarily forgetting all their own problems.

Joker waited patiently until Shepard finally turned to face him. Their eyes met and in that one moment his heart shattered. Those once-vibrant little windows to her soul were dull, closed off; she completely shut down. "Talk to me, Rae… please," he begged. He'd only seen her like this twice before, and she barely survived the last time. If she left now, like this…

"No." The icy whisper was so hardened, so cold it lanced right through him, rendering him speechless once more. Shepard's eyes flashed dangerously as she pulled the hood over her face until her features disappeared, but the haunting glow lingered. "I may be a bit slow on the uptake, but I've learned my lesson. When you let people get close you're just giving them ammunition and a wider target for their attacks. Well, I'm done." She slid through the doors and was gone.

"Garrus!" Joker shouted over the comms, watching helplessly as Shepard disappeared into the crushing crowd along the docks. She was flying solo, completely shut down, and looking for a fight. And there was no way in hell she was armed in that outfit; there wasn't room for a credit chit in that garb. And he suddenly realized she wasn't wearing her 'tool, either, so they couldn't even track her down. If he didn't work fast there was a good chance she wouldn't survive the night, and there was no way he could handle it alone.


	2. Chapter 2

The mark was getting closer by the second. It was always so much easier when they made the unwitting approach, not that someone this easy wasn't worth a little footwork. A young woman navigating the Citadel alone at this time of day was practically asking for trouble and something about the way she moved caught his attention and wouldn't let go. This was going to be like taking candy from a baby. There was nothing to do now but wait.

The unremarkable man casually leaned against the railing, blending into the surroundings with an ease that had been honed to precision by a lifetime of practice. Being completely and totally average had its perks, which he put to use on a regular basis. You had to learn a skill really fast when you lived on a street and this was as good as any; lucrative enough to keep him going while considerably safer than the high-stakes gigs. He may not have a swanky apartment, but he was never hungry for long and the worst he faced was a run in by C-Sec followed by a short stay and another line on his sheet. That was good enough for him.

The young woman stopped an arm's length away and leaned over the railing to admire the stunning view of the nebula, just like he knew she would. He closed the distance without a sound, making sure to stay just far enough away to avoid drawing attention, and then reached forward with confidence.

"Hey!" the man shouted in a mix of shock and anger as someone grabbed his extended hand and used the momentum to spin him around with frightening speed. He forced himself to relax long enough to assess the situation. Hasty actions often ended in death.

It was impossible to tell who intervened, despite the fact that they still had a firm grip on his wrist. A long dark coat obscured their body and the hood kept most of their features in shadows, but this was definitely a woman, that much was sure. Tits that fine were hard to miss. Her full pink lips turned up into a wry smile as her hand tightened its grip, making the tendons and bright blue veins stand out against her impossibly pale skin; she didn't flinch or relax at the abrupt shout, so she wasn't afraid of drawing attention.

"Are you ok?" the young woman, his mark, asked hesitantly.

She was still naive and hopeful enough to think she could do something to help people in any situation without concern for her own wellbeing. She was fresh off the shuttle with her entire life on her back, eager to make a fresh start. And all of that could've been his. That was out the airlock now; she'd seen his face, gotten too close. She was the perfect mark, and she was going to slip away.

A look of concern crossed her face when she didn't get an immediate answer. "Do you need me to call the authorities?"

"No," the man responded right away. The pain shooting up his arm from the sudden tightening of the hand had nothing to do with it, either. The authorities were the last thing he wanted. They were probably already looking for him after his last few jobs, anyway. No need to make the situation worse. He forced his body to relax as he offered a reassuring smile. "I'm fine, thanks. My cousin surprised me. That's all."

The young woman held her ground, her bright eyes darting between the two figures in front of her. "I can help you get away if you're in danger. Just say the word," she whispered into the man's ear as she stared at the other woman. Her eyes were wide with terror as she noticed the faint orange glow pulsing within the hood's darkness, like she'd finally seen a nightmare come to life, but she wouldn't back down.

The women stared at one another across the short distance, the young woman glaring defiantly while the dark-clad woman's mouth turned down into a soft, almost sad frown. A horrible but all too familiar sensation washed over his body originating from his wrist – the point of contact – and felt exactly like the time he got hit with the tail-end of an electromagnetic shockwave by being in the wrong duct at the wrong time; his muscles contracted and his breath caught in his throat, but it only lasted a second. The bitch shocked him somehow. He couldn't let on, though since they were under keen observation. "No, really, I'm fine. Thank you, though." He held his smile until the woman finally nodded and walked away.

"What's this all about?" he hissed as soon as they were relatively alone.

"Do you feel bad?" the dark woman asked with genuine curiosity. "You were going to take everything thing she had, leave her impoverished and stranded on her very first day here, and yet she risked her life to assure your safety."

"We all have to eat, sugar. She would've found a way. They all do. The Citadel can never have enough dancers, and I would sweep in to save the day when she finally accepted that. Hook her up with a bar that's always hiring; give her a little nose-candy encouragement… We all win." There was no point denying the truth. Anyone as fast and scary as this bitch knew what was up, anyway. "So, what… you just here to be my moral compass? Because you're about 15 years too late, honey."

"No, I just want a little information… directions, if you will."

"I'm not your information terminal," he spat.

The glow under the hood brightened as the woman's lips turned up in a wide sardonic smile. Blinding pain accompanied a sharp crack that echoed through the ward's level. The man bit back a scream as his hand went numb, but a low moan escaped his suddenly dry throat despite his best efforts. People were starting to stare. From off in the distance, a C-Sec officer exited a shuttle and walked up to the young woman. She gestured wildly and he began making his way over. It was only a matter of minutes before he'd arrive.

"Let's try this again," she spoke with the optimistic patience of a parent to a small, obstinate child. "I'm looking for a bar…"

"There's one right behind you, you daft cunt." There was a wet pop and stomach churning pain, and then his arm went limp and useless.

The officer was at the end of the shopping block and closing the distance fast.

"Do I really look like the dancing type?" she asked with a wistful sigh. "That's a club. I'm looking for a bar – someplace to sit on my ass and forget my troubles. A place people don't ask questions."

"Absolutely, anything you want, ma'am," the man stammered as a thick sheen of sweat dripped off his face, a combination of fear and pain. If she wanted a bar, she'd get a bar.

There was a bar – an honest, no frills bar that somehow flew under the radar for the average resident – less than a block from where their current position, but that wasn't the one he provided. She was going into the depths of hell, literally and figuratively, to a location in the deepest recesses of the ward full of the banes of existence; as far from him as humanly possible. The fact that she caught him unawares was reason enough to be wary, but she broke his body in plain view of others without batting an eye. Through his line of work he'd become acquainted with some of the nastiest people on the Citadel, but even they avoided conducting business right out in the open, and never within sight of C-Sec. This mystery woman with lightning fast speed and zero fucks to give terrified him, and he'd do anything to get her as far away from him as possible – hopefully for good.

Every one of that bar's regulars would kill a man just for looking in his general direction, so there was a good chance she wasn't going to survive the night, but he was damn well going to get as far away from the Citadel as his meager funds could manage, just in case.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Today's is much shorter than intended since my spawn decided naps were for quitters. And I uploaded the incomplete one in my haste. Sorry about the double post.

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Grunts, heavy breathing, and sounds of flesh smacking flesh echoed from the dark alleyway. It was impossible to tell exactly what nefarious deeds created the current soundtrack for this dark corner of the ward since the engaged figures were little more than slightly darker points in the shadows and this was the sort of neighborhood that curiosity often proved fatal. The few people along the main walkway skittered by as fast as possible, keeping their eyes forward at all costs as a deep groan and high-pitched cry of either pain or pleasure mingled, their chorus signaling the grand finish.

Sudden silence practically rang through the air with the completion of the act. One of the participants laid prone on the ground in complete disregard of the broken glass and rotting scraps of litter underneath, their sudden snores shattering the hush within the dark alley. The second figure straightened their clothes with a self-satisfied grin curving up one side of their face. Fatigue made every movement slow and precise, but that was part of the gig. Complete exhaustion was a sure sign of a good time, and by that measurement this was one for the books.

"Wake up," the second figure called out, smacking the other person's cheeks much harder than necessary. "I want you awake for this so you'll never forget it." Their hands slid up and down the prone figure, giving the sensitive areas a little extra attention along the way. This wasn't about pleasure; this was a show of power. The person on the ground was helpless to stop the intrusive touches and they both knew it. Then one hand found something far more interesting than stray bulges of flesh.

"Let's call this an asshole tax," the cool, detached female voice announced as her hands locked on a bag secreted away in the dark depths of the other person's pants. "You really helped me work up an appetite, so the least you can do is pay for my dinner."

Muffled protests filled the silence… or maybe they were moans of pain. They all sounded the same when they came from under a boot. She was having none of it, though. A mocking smile twisted her mouth as she ground her heel into his cheek for good measure.

"Maybe you'll think twice before jumping someone wandering through the wards. Not every unaccompanied woman is completely helpless, you know." She pulled the bag free of its very private hiding spot, but the pungent smell that wafted up was almost too much. Bile rose in her throat, but she choked back the gag. This was no time to show weakness. Her eyes widened in the dim light as she rifled through the contents, and she whistled low as she pulled the large wad of cash free. "Looks like you're covering my entire night, and it just got a lot more entertaining."

She sat back to look the thug in the eye, and it was the first time they actually saw one another's faces. His eyes widened and he started shaking uncontrollably as he took in her glowing scars and angry sneer. It was doubtful he actually recognized her in the darkness; this was simply a gut reaction to what he saw before him. She was a walking, talking nightmare. The look of pure horror on his swollen, bloody mug, said things would've gone considerably different if he'd actually seen her in the first place, but it was too late for that. That's why she hid under the hood.

"You're returning from a run, aren't you? Drugs or slaves?" she asked as she counted her spoils. "Doesn't really matter. I bet someone's waiting for this… and getting impatient. It's one hell of an expensive lesson for you, and maybe you'll survive long enough to learn from it. I suggest you start running now because the person waiting for this won't forgive a loss this big." She started to stand, but suddenly dropped back to a crouch by his side. "Oh… you'll probably want to see a doctor first, though."

One pale hand flickered with blue light as it disappeared into the panicked man's pants, but there was no escape; she held him firm. Intense pressure and pain radiated from the tenderest point of his body as her hand found its mark and squeezed until something popped. The man rolled onto his side and vomited violently.

"And _that's_ for trying to rape me." Fire burned in her eyes, but her frown softened slightly. "You never know what a simple please can get, since I sure as shit didn't dress like this to keep warm… But don't dwell on that; you're personal hygiene is a deal breaker anyway. Keep that in mind if you ever get that thing to work again."

She stood, pulled the hood over her face once more, and ventured out into the light, heedless of the shrieks behind her.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Apparently I picked a bad week to try this challenge. Maintenance men were in my house most of the day, which meant no naps for the spawn and no writing for me until well after bedtime. I managed to get this done before the day is over (my time), but it is rougher than I like to post. My apologies. Hopefully tomorrow is a better writing day.

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Helplessness and fear may have initiated action, but these feelings that weren't welcome on the ride. They were usually counter-productive, causing two things they really couldn't afford: self-doubt and inaction. They didn't linger around for long, though, before they gave way to anger. Anger was perfect for this situation. It was a perfect motivator. The only problem now was a proper entrance – one that really grabbed attention. Old-fashioned hinged doors were perfect for times like these. Nothing screamed 'I'm pissed, now listen to me' quite like kicking a door open. It was probably a good thing that wasn't an option, though. Breaking a leg with the initial kick then knocking yourself on your ass with the bounce-back would destroy the image pretty handily.

"What did you do?" Joker demanded the moment the doors slid open.

A startled young man looked up from the desk closest the door. "I'm sorry sir, but you cannot…"

"This is new…" Garrus muttered under his breath at the sudden creaky voice welcoming them so warmly.

Udina never had a secretary, which was probably a good thing. The poor soul suckered into the position would've been abused and humiliated on a daily basis. Plus, Udina wasn't quite powerful enough to merit one, no matter what he thought. He deserved more humiliated than he actually received when Shepard publically suggested someone else for 'his' promotion.

"Save it desk-jockey; this doesn't concern you," Joker snapped as he marched into the office as best he could. "I'm looking for Anderson."

" _Councilor_ Anderson is not available for walk-ins."A look of haughty disdain crossed the receptionist's face. It didn't take long for him to recover. He was unimpressed with the new arrival, but that didn't last once the considerably pissed and remarkably well-armed turian finally appeared in the first man's wake. The intimidating anger radiating off Garrus was the physical manifestation of the contempt both men felt, he was just better at relaying it with a subtle glare in a way to make self-important secretaries quake in their polished seats.

"Is there a problem here?" A familiar voice called out in thinly veiled contempt.

"Alenko," Garrus greeted coolly as the Alliance soldier rounded the corner. He received a tight nod in return, but neither man fully relaxed.

"Great, you're here too," Joker practically spat at his former friend. "That's perfect, actually. I won't have to repeat myself."

"Jonathon, I think this is a good time to take a break," Anderson said as he came into view, but his eyes were locked on the new arrivals.

The younger man left without a second glance, but Joker didn't wait for privacy. He spun to face the human Councilor, hazel eyes flashing furiously. "What the hell did you do?"

"That's no way to speak to a superior officer," Alenko admonished.

"Spare me; he's not my superior in any way – neither of you are. I'm not part of the Alliance anymore and you both know it. There may be a lot of shit between you and me, but this isn't about us."

Joker reached near hysteria as he shouted at the two men in front of them, but neither of them really understood why. Alenko desperately turned to the calmer person staring him down from afar.

"Shepard," was all Garrus would say.

"So what, you two came over to complain on her behalf? Or did she send you to do her dirty work?"

"Are you kidding? Do you know what she'd do if she knew we were here right now? She'd have our asses. Well, that's what she'd normally do…" Joker's voice trailed off as the image of her dull, emotionless eyes suddenly came to him. His heart ached anew, but he had to hold on to the anger. Her safety depended on it.

"The fact that you even asked that says more than you know. You've completely forgotten the woman she is – that she always was, since it's the same damn person. Or maybe you never really knew her in the first place." Joker knew the remark hit home when Alenko's face fell and his jaw clenched. Good. He needed to feel some of the pain he'd caused. Satisfied, he spun to face Anderson. " _You_ , on the other hand, have no excuses. You knew her longer than anyone aside from her mother. I don't know what you said today…"

"And you won't. That discussion was private and confidential."

"I don't care!" Joker practically shrieked. Half the Presidium probably heard. "You know what you said, and I hope it haunts you. The two of you accomplished the impossible. You broke her. Countless enemies tried and failed, but you two managed without effort. You broke her heart and soul."

The men stared one another down until the room practically vibrated with tension, but nobody wanted to be the first to break.

A chime shattered the silence.

Garrus looked down at his glowing wrist and sighed. This was a start, at least. He answered the call fully aware of the audience, but time was of the essence. "Lamont, thanks for getting back to me," he greeted tentatively. The other side of the conversation was muddled, but Garrus understood and responded immediately. "Yeah, I know, but I really need a favor on this and you owe me. Just pass along any sightings and we'll handle the rest. It's important – Defcon Sheila." He held his breath until there was a response. "Thank you. Now I'll owe you one."

"I've never heard of Defcon Sheila." Anderson didn't try to hide the fact that he'd eavesdropped. They all had.

"Of course you haven't; Sheila's Lamont's ex-wife."

Slowly-dawning terror slid across Alenko's face as he pieced it together. "What happened?" he asked in a harsh whisper. He closed the distance to Joker in two long strides and dropped down next to the man. "Shepard…"

"She disappeared. She's alone, unarmed, and shattered… and we don't know where to even start looking."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I swear, next time I'm bored I'll just create another challenge; I'll never have a free moment again. I was overly-ambitious and given almost no time again today, so I'm a bit later than hoped. I also didn't get a chance to really proof this one so I hope it isn't too embarrassing. Thanks for the reviews, likes, and faves. That kept me going when I really just wanted to go to bed.

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"You've got to be kidding me."

The exasperated whisper was completely lost to the harsh crash of the metal grate slamming into place. Moments later, a pale blue light illuminated the dark figure staring despondently into what was the one ray of light for the evening so far but was now unattainable – just like everything else so far. It never used to be this hard. In the past, trouble was a simple fact of life. It always seemed to be waiting around every corner, and that included the good kind as well. Tonight was nothing like the good old days, as proved by the fact that it was well into the night cycle and there was yet a single drop of alcohol to be had – or fun of any sort for that matter; and now the liquor store wasn't even an option, since the owner was a giant pansy and rolled up shop as soon as someone a little scary walked by. Looking around the neighborhood, it was amazing they were even still in business with that kind of policy. The few people glimpsed from doorways and peeking through windows were scarier than most soldiers met on the battlefield. The cloaked head fell against the mass effect barrier in frustration.

"Move along. I'm not looking for trouble," the familiar wheeze of a volus called into the night.

"I just want a drink." The dark figure held a significant sum aloft as proof. This had to work. There'd been no distractions that lasted longer than a few minutes all night and all the doubts within were near-deafening. "Please."

The volus stared into the depths of the night, wary of making a deal with the imposing figure but unable to simply walk away from such a sum. "Fine," he rasped, "you pay though that small window and then I'll get you want you want."

"No funny business." The warning tone said it all. There were no intentions beyond this simple transaction, but if the shopkeeper took off with the money and didn't return with the booze, things were going to get ugly. "Canadian whiskey if you have it. If not, get as close as possible."

The volus disappeared from view and didn't return. It figured. Everything about the evening so far was frustrating and disappointing, much as the events that lead up to it. If things went according to the very loose plans then everything would've been a dull blur with flashes of questionable, yet blush-inducing memories by now. Well, that, or very bloody. Alas, the fabled bar remained elusive and the street thugs all but disappeared, not that they were any real help. The Citadel always possessed a labyrinthine quality, but it was almost impossible to navigate now, thanks in large part to the scars of Saren's attack – _Sovereign's_ attack – peppering the wards. Large walkways ended abruptly against solid walls, stairwells emptied into dark, desolate alleyways, and once vibrant neighborhoods were husks of their former glory, practically abandoned by all but the toughest and lowest inhabitants… this one, for instance. It was more proof of the time that passed, that life went on after hers stopped. That she didn't belong anywhere anymore.

"Sorry about the wait," the volus called out as two dusty bottles slid through the small window, "but we don't get your kind around here often. These were buried in the back." The rotund shopkeeper lingered as if unsure what to do or say, so the dark figure made it easy for both of them. The full bottles tucked easily under one dark arm and the figure disappeared.

The amber fluid was smooth and went down easily, making the hunt for the bar or any distraction a little easier. Everything was eerily quiet, but that really didn't matter. Food was what mattered now. The lonely wanderings since Alley-Asshole McBrokenPenis had been completely devoid of anything digestible. But the alcohol was clearly starting to work, so there was that.

A wonderful sight was waiting as yet another twisting path that went the opposite direction than expected finally opened up to a well-lit area. Food. The cook took the large order but didn't bother to hide the suspicious glances. All the tables were mysteriously reserved except the dark one farthest from the shop, but that didn't really matter. At this point the grease-slinger could demand just about anything and he'd get it so long as the food was edible. Biotic metabolism was the clear boss and ego was a very distant second… or third. Who knew? The alcohol didn't know, because it wasn't important. And so the darkness surrounded the dark figure once more, but this time there was food and drink, at least.

The ramen was passable, but not great. It was nothing compared to the noodle places from before… Dull eyes focused on the dark stains of other people's blood under short fingernails as memories of a happier time sprung forth unbidden – thoughts of laughter, lust, and tables straining under the weight of too much food. Those were no longer real in this new life. Now there was soggy ramen in a dark corner, feeling like the simple act of living was wrong, while heavy boots approached from behind.

The cook slammed down the gate to the kitchen and activated the mass effect security gate, leaving his lone customer to their own devices. It'd be nice if someone offered assistance just once. Instead, the pale hand opened the second bottle of whiskey and a soft crack echoed through the tense hush. Drinking was as good a way to pass the time as any. Familiar red armor emblazoned with a white skull said everything that needed to be known. This was going to be fun. It wouldn't take long for even their limited thought processes to notice the single figure amongst the empty tables, especially since they weren't getting anywhere with the cook.

"What do we have here?" a krogan called out as he approached. "We like to have fun with your kind, don't we?" A second krogan and two vorcha followed in his wake, laughing as though he told one of the funniest jokes they'd heard.

The food was good enough to merit some additional attention, especially since those calories were probably going to be needed soon. It'd be a shame to waste the whiskey, too, and it was impolite to speak with a full mouth. Besides, there was no need to respond.

"Hey, look at me when I speak to you, monkey."

A loud belch echoed through the open seating as the dark figure wiped stray spittle away with one arm. So much for manners, not that present company would appreciate them anyway. "I am looking at you, lizard." The slur was probably lost on him, but that wasn't the point anyway. There was something concerning about their presence, though. "I thought Blood Pack was barred from the Citadel."

"Only if we get caught and aren't well enough connected. Don't worry, though. We're not in any danger," the first krogan spoke with chilling self-assurance.

"Take off that hood so we can see the fear in your eyes." The second krogan was a little too excited at the prospect, while the vorcha continued to laugh like idiots.

"I'll keep it on, thanks, but rest assured – there is no fear."

"You'll hate to disappoint me…" the first krogan warned.

"Why? You look like you're used to disappointment," the dark figure taunted, "because number two here looks like he's not much fun in the sack. Let me guess: quick to explode, no stamina…"

"Let's see how tough you are," number two bellowed, from close enough to show his last three meals lodged in between beige teeth.

He reached forward to push the hood back, but never got a chance. The figure's head shot out and connected with his, knocking him back on his ass. The hood was firmly back in place immediately, as if nothing happened. One of the vorcha laughed again, which only pushed number two further. A shot rang out and the vorcha collapsed. Number two was done playing around. This was the time to act.

The whiskey bottle shattered, sending shards of glass sliding across the table. The next second number two blinked dumbly with his one good eye, unable to comprehend the spreading darkness in his vision. He couldn't see the empty half bottle protruding from his other eye. It was all over for him with one well-placed punch. The second krogan roared and charged, but it didn't do him much good. The dark figure looked for a real fight all night, and unlike him, had no reason to hold back. Death was not a concern, so biotics could and were pushed to an extreme with a little liquid encouragement. Within moments his shattered body fell to the floor in a glowing mass.

"You," the figure called out to the lone survivor. The vorcha held up both hands and waited. "I have a proposition for you. You take me to Tartarus and I'll let you live. Or you can join your buddies here…"

"Why go there? Other bars, better bars…"

"My reasons aren't your concern. The choice is yours, but it should be as obvious to you as your shit-encrusted teeth."

"Show me your face. No answer before."

Shepard sighed and pulled back her hood.

"Yes, scary," the vorcha nodded, "I take you."

That was the best news of the night. Things were about to get much more intense, and that was perfect. Something tickled the side of her face so she wiped it away idly, but her hand came back wet. It was clear, sticky fluid. Confused, she checked her reflection in the metal table. The fragile skin around her eye busted open with the head butt, exposing the glowing cybernetics underneath. The coat had served its purpose, but the time to hide had passed. It was time to embrace everything that came with this new Shepard – scars and all.

The cook lingered on his side of the security system, his eyes wide with fear as Shepard and the vorcha passed.

"What are you?" he whispered.

"I don't know."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Damn, I was so close. I'll just pretend yesterday didn't happen, which is what I really wish thanks to piss-poor allergen warnings on a bag of snacks and my wonky immune system. So... day 6. Yay!

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Life surged through this area of the Citadel, but the constant movement was nothing more than a blur as attention focused inward. What they'd just left had been troubling. The man was not in great shape, but the swelling and bruising were minor. It was the injury hidden in the depths of the blanket that caused the most concern, though. Every human male automatically recoiled when it was even mentioned, so it must've been bad. There was nothing more to do now than report back and wait.

"What'd you find out?" Joker asked earnestly the second the call connected. The Normandy's dim lights gave his features an additional waxen quality – or maybe it was the stress. It was hard to leave him all alone on the ship but there was no other choice. He'd only slow them down and remaining in Anderson's office wasn't an option; the anger simmering between the two of them could turn volatile at any moment without anyone to intervene on Joker's behalf should things turn physical. The fact that that was even a possibility spoke volumes of the stress the situation had caused, as well as how sharp his tongue was on the issue. It was only a matter of time until Anderson cracked. That wasn't acceptable, so Joker held down the Normandy with only the AI to keep him company as everyone else was either out on leave or looking for their commander.

"We're not sure…"

"What do you mean _we're not sure_?" the man to the left interrupted with disgusted huff. "I'm pretty damn sure. How many other biotic human women with glowing orange scars on their face do you know?"

"As I was saying," Garrus glared pointedly, "we're not sure exactly what happened, but it was Shepard. The trail's cold, though, so we're on our way back to Anderson's office. I'll let you know when we have more." The call disconnected with a soft click just as Joker's face fell. It was too much to watch.

"The victim was pretty clear about what happened."

"Really, Alenko? You saw that man's rap sheet. Do you really believe Shepard laid in wait in an unfamiliar dark alley, beat him senseless, robbed him, and then attempted to rape him?"

"Maybe your hero worship has you too blind to see how much Cerberus twisted her. The old Shepard never would've done that."

"Why'd you come with me? You took one look and saw only what you wanted to. You used to be sensible, almost to a fault. Now..." There was a long pause as Garrus struggled to keep his temper under control. This would've been so much easier alone. The comfortable camaraderie from years ago was gone. Things between them were significantly strained by Shepard's death, but it was as good as broken now. Anyone who could hurt her like that and then simply walk away was not worthy of being called 'friend', not worthy of helping now. There was no choice this time, though; Anderson had to pull some strings to gain access to the injured man and it was conditional on the marine's presence. Well the time had come for that marine to hear some hard truths. "While you saw the Cerberus monster's innocent victim I was busy figuring out how to kill the man who tried to rape my friend. The only thing that stopped me from following through was the knowledge that she spared him and it was her choice to make, not mine."

Alenko's face tightened as he stared.

"What, that didn't occur to you until right now?" Garrus asked in disbelief, but the answer was clear. Small wisps of biotic energy rose from Alenko's skin as he glared openly in the direction they just left. If that man wasn't gone soon there was a very real chance he'd never get to leave. How did Alenko not see that in the first place, though? "There's always been a very real woman behind the legend, and that hasn't changed. Her shadow looms large because she knows where to stand."

The shrill beep of an urgent message ended the not-so-subtle reminder. At least it was something to work with. Moments later Joker popped back into view. "Joker, send everyone to this nav point. C-Sec got the call just a few minutes ago." After getting that taken care of, he turned to Alenko. "Look, you go tell Anderson whatever you want. He can have my take on it if he wants, but he'll have to wait."

"I'm not going to Anderson. I'm coming with you," Alenko insisted. He wasn't going to let Garrus shake him off, either. "Look, I saw the nav point. You can't go into that neighborhood alone and it will take too long to wait for everyone else. We have to go now."

There was no time to argue. Both men climbed into a private transit vehicle in silence, but that only lasted until the doors were firmly shut. "I'm not going to let you hurt her again," Garrus warned as his mandibles pulsed steadily. The memory of her falling to her knees as Alenko turned his back and walked away tore straight through his heart even now. She didn't deserve that pain. Not after everything she'd done, everything she'd endured. A fire ignited deep within, a burn to make this man hurt as much as he hurt Shepard. There was nobody around to stop him, either. "Do you know what her first word was when she woke up? It was your name. The Cerberus operative told me that after your little show on Horizon. You were literally her first conscious thought, and the Illusive Man wouldn't even tell her if you survived. Anderson wasn't much better; he only said you were on assignment and she couldn't be trusted with that info, but she held out hope. You were the constant in the chaos."

Alenko said nothing. Eyes straight ahead, only the moisture collecting along his lower lashes indicated he even heard a word being said. That wasn't good enough, though. There was still so much more. The knife needed to be twisted.

"On Horizon, did you really see Shepard; notice the blood flowing freely from her nose?" A small twitch and a sideways glance was the only acknowledgement Alenko gave, but it was enough. "It wasn't from getting hit; nothing got close enough to touch her - it was overuse of her biotics. She practically killed herself on that damn planet because she knew you were there. She was willing to die to ensure you lived. When that ship took off and you were nowhere to be seen… And then you casually strolled around the corner and said the things that you knew would hurt her the most."

"What was I supposed to do? She disappeared for two years, and then suddenly showed up working for the enemy!"

"Shepard died, Kaidan. She didn't want to, it just happened. That sort of thing was always a possibility, especially in our line of work, and you both knew that going in. She never hurt you on purpose; she isn't capable. And now she's back through a miracle of modern technology and you chastise her for allowing it to happen. She tried to get away from Cerberus, but the Alliance wouldn't have her back and refused to let her help in any way. What choice does she have? She may be hurt, but she's still Shepard. You just don't want to see that. You're so damn concerned about your own pain. Stop and think about what she feels."

Alenko's jaw clenched into a tight knot as he sat in silence, processing what was said. The atmosphere outside the vehicle grew progressively darker and almost claustrophobic. They had to be getting close. There was one more thing to say before they arrived, though.

"This universe is full of people willing to give everything they have just for a chance with Shepard, people who would spend their every waking moment trying to make her happy just to see her smile. She's loved by more people than she'll ever know. And if you're not careful, one of them will take your place. And it just might be someone you already know. If that happens, I hope it hurts you just like you've hurt her."

The vehicle slowed as Alenko's head whipped around. His eyes narrowed on the turian next to him, the person he once considered a friend. "Is that a threat?" he whispered hoarsely.

"No, it's a fact. I'm only telling you all this because I know how much she loves you and I want her to be happy no matter what. It's up to you, now."

Garrus stepped into the dim lighting of the rough neighborhood. This looked like the kind of place Shepard would frequent. She never was afraid of the area if the food was worth it, thought the odor wafting down the street said it probably wasn't. That wasn't entirely fair, though. The smell could also be caused by the several large heaps on the ground next to a table; bodies that size could only be krogan. They often smelled ripe when alive…

Alenko joined Garrus and looked around. The bodies hadn't even been covered yet, which meant they beat C-Sec to the scene. With luck, they could get everything they needed and be gone without dealing with authorities, but that meant they had to get moving. No better place to start than the scene of the crime.

Garrus went straight for the bodies, but Alenko veered off towards the dark mass on a chair several tables away. It was the only other disturbance amongst the otherwise pristine café seating, so it had to be important. It was a coat – a long black coat with an oversized hood and formed bodice. The material was still warm with the unmistakable scent of Shepard. There was something mysterious and sexy as hell about it. Folding the sturdy material with loving gentleness, Alenko tucked it under his arm as he made his way over to Garrus. He'd never seen it on her before, but he was going to do everything he could to remedy that situation.

"One person managed all of this?" Alenko asked as soon as he saw the bodies. One krogan had a whiskey bottle shoved almost completely through his skull while the other had no outward sign of violence, but his limbs twisted at odd angles and his head face the wrong way. This was definitely Shepard's work.

"The krogan killed the vorcha," an unfamiliar voice called out from behind the security gates, "but I think the others were by the woman. It was too fast to tell for sure, though."

"The woman who wore this coat?" Alenko asked as he held the garment aloft. "What happened to her? Where'd she go?"

"She left with the vorcha, on their way to Tartarus."

"Then that's where we're going."

"I don't think you should be there for this, Alenko. She's in a bad spot, and you're part of the problem," Garrus held the human back with one strong hand, but Alenko pushed it aside with ease.

"I'm also the solution. Just try to stop me."


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Yeah... so, the reaction lasted much longer than I hoped. To make up for my inability to post seven days in a row, I'm going to tack a few extra days on this. Besides, I'm not done yet. Enjoy!

* * *

Low, pulsing music with a driving beat that somehow managed to sound dirty came from a single beat-down old radio that had seen its fair share of brute force. The fact that it even worked at all was amazing since it looked older than the asari bartender with a severe case of resting bitch face, and she had to be a matron, at least. The music was necessary; just enough ambient noise to drown out the hushed voices of nefarious business taking part within the small groups of people huddled together around stained, battered tables. Tartarus was a neutral zone – a place the scum of the Citadel were not only welcomed, but preferred. Chances were good there wasn't a single innocent person within the establishment, which was perfect. Distinct color combinations of the well-armored patrons were a dead-giveaway to anyone with even rudimentary knowledge; almost every major mercenary group was present in the bar, and the perceived privacy was the only thing keeping the peace aside from professional courtesy, and that only counted until your back was turned.

Despite being pissed and probably scared shitless, the pickpocket really delivered with the bar recommendation. Or maybe it was because of those conditions – some sort of vendetta that fell short by playing directly into her hands. Either way, Tartarus was exactly what she was looking for.

Shepard leaned into the sticky bar and stared at the drink in her hands. Doubt began to flicker deep within. Maybe they were right. The blood, other people's blood, darkened her fingernails and told the true story of the night thus far. Maybe she was a monster. Or maybe her place in the universe disappeared with her death and her presence now was a huge mistake. It didn't matter in the long run; the mission to stop the Collectors was suicide run and she knew it. Might as well have some fun and take out some assholes while she still had time.

"Are you sure you belong here?" the human waitress asked hesitantly as she collected the small mountain of glassware from the bar. She had the distinct glassy eyes and discolored teeth of an addict – red sand from the looks of it. Was she a result of the pick-pocket's handiwork? Maybe dancing was too much once full addiction hit so they sent her down the totem pole.

Shepard stared dispassionately as she slammed back the muddy fluid and set the glass on the already full tray. Eventually the waitress got the drift and turned away. Disgust swirled in Shepard's gut as she watched the downtrodden woman disappear behind the bar. That prick pickpocket deserved so much more than a few broken bones, but he was a small fish. Now she was in the mother of all aquariums and she was going to do what she did best – kill all the fish.

The door opened and all eyes turned to stare down the new arrival, just as they did every time. A lumbering krogan warlord in angry red armor stared back, his scarred face twisted in anger. "Alright, which one of you pyjacks did it; who killed my crew? I know it was one of you, so don't try to hide it. I heard the fat human say their attacker came here," he bellowed as he stomped into room.

Showtime.

"I did." Shepard called out and then gestured for another drink. The surprised stares burned hot on her back, but she didn't turn around. This was part of the game. The bartender set a fresh glass down and scurried out of the way.

A few disbelieving laughs echoed through the silence but died away almost instantly. Anyone crazy enough to keep their back to a rampaging krogan after claiming responsibility was someone too crazy to be laughed at… or more dangerous than anyone anticipated.

Alcohol sloshed within the glasses on the bar as the krogan stomped over, so Shepard picked hers up and drank slowly. She was never one to waste alcohol, even low-grade swill like this. The footfalls stopped next to her, but she didn't react. She sat and enjoyed her piss-water until the barstool flew out from under Shepard with one swift kick of the tree-trunk leg, but she was prepared. Her feet hit the ground and she turned to face the Blood Pack leader with practiced boredom.

"Did you need something?" she asked with disinterest.

"You killed three of my men. What do you think I want?"

"Two, actually," she corrected, "the vorcha was an inside job, but I was totally willing to do the deed myself."

"Then you owe me two lives," the krogan sneered as he pulled a knife free. "I'm sure I could get my money's worth out of you."

"Is that so?" she asked casually. Nauseated panic crept through her stomach at the way the krogan's eyes leered at her figure, but she never showed it. While krogan-human relationships were almost unheard of, this was most definitely not romantic. Besides, who could really blame him? Krogans dug scars. The idea of a second rape attempt that night was not a fun one, though, especially with so many others watching a little too closely. Chances were good it would turn into a group activity, and that just wasn't going to work. This train had to be derailed immediately.

A hard right hook caught the krogan under his eye, sending him stumbling back a few steps to catch his balance. That was all it took. His shit-brown eyes burned with murderous thoughts as he rushed forward and pressed the knife into the bare skin of Shepard's upper chest just below her left shoulder.

"Ready to die, puny human?"

Shepard's right arm shot out and caught the front of the krogan's armor, the movement little more than a blur, then yanked him close. "I already have, thanks," she murmured into his ear as their bodies pressed together against the bar, plunging the knife into her body. "Now it's your turn."

Shepard's scream filled the bar, the sound too disorienting and the movements too fast to follow. The next thing everyone knew, the krogan laid lifeless on the floor, pinned in place by the knife protruding from his head. Shepard stood over him, her eyes glittering dangerously as bright red blood ran freely from the gaping wound and spilled to the ground.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Here's a real short one to hold everyone over until after Thanksgiving. I'll try to wrap it up with the next one, but it will be several days.

* * *

The question hung in the air despite the ancient radio's feeble attempts to drown it out; the weak, tinny sound was no match for the passionate vibrato. Bright, defiant eyes searched the crowd, daring the foul horde to respond, but there was only silence. Even the soft clinks of glassware and gentle groans of abused furniture disappeared as the scum of the Citadel froze. All eyes focused intently on the fierce figure in the center of the room.

Crimson blood flowed freely, every dark splash on the weathered floorboards a testament. She was human. She was alive. She was dangerous. Nothing anyone said could change that. She was…

A gasp from the dark recesses of the tavern shattered the pregnant hush. "Holy shit, that's…"

"Commander Shepard, in the flesh." The simple declaration tasted sweeter than any drink credits could buy. Pulsing orange scars pulled and gaped as one side of her mouth twisted into a lopsided, predatory grin. Those savory words lingered on her tongue and the flavor was perfect. Everything was clear once more. That was exactly who she was and nobody could take that away – not the Alliance, not the Council, not Cerberus… nobody.

"I'll ask again now that the introductions are out of the way," she called out strong and sure, "Who's next?"


	9. Chapter 9

Dreams, nightmares, desperate machinations of a broken mind, it was impossible to put a name to the images that sprung forth two years ago and waited patiently until sleep finally arrived. They neither judged nor soothed, but simply reminded. They were salt in the open wound at first, the agonizing pain searing into the darkest depths until it was excruciating. The mere thought of sleeping became unbearable, but some things cannot be avoided forever. Tear-soaked pillows, as cold and uncomfortable as the feelings inside, greeted every morning, the only proof of the previous night's visit.

As with all things, time worked her magic and eventually the wound healed until it was impervious to the salt, though it remained ugly and scarred. Dread disappeared as the images became a source of eagerly anticipated comfort. Sleep became a hobby, the way to pass free time in the hopes they would visit. Then the unthinkable happened – nights began to pass in long stretches of empty darkness. It hurt almost as much as the original pain. Time wore away the memory of her features, making them impossible to recall in the light of day. Those images were all that was left.

They'd always been the same: Shepard's beautiful face peered out from an almost painfully bright light, her features composed but her eyes glittering passionately. It was always just her face, though. The light fully enveloped her body leaving only her haunting visage. Sometimes she smiled and it was the same soft, gentle turn of her full lips that only came when she was completely relaxed and happy, but that was as rare as it had been in life, and it broke his heart anew every time. Sometimes her lips moved desperately to convey a message, but the words were lost. Those nights were the hardest. None of them prepared him for this, though.

The door slid open to reveal the haunting images come to life.

The light surrounding Shepard was so bright in the dimness, so intense after the dark wards, that only her features were visible. She was breathtaking.

It was all too familiar, too haunting and painful. Hands shot out in desperation to find a purchase. The doorframe groaned under the intense pressure as he held on for dear life, desperate to remain upright despite the protestation of his legs.

"Alenko?" Garrus called out from somewhere in the darkness, his tone making it clear he expected the worst based on this reaction.

Kaidan shook his head slowly, unable to tear his eyes away from the vision before him, lest it disappear. There was no time to explain. It wouldn't matter anyway. He wouldn't understand.

The image morphed slowly as his eyes became accustomed to the light until he saw the real woman standing tall in the depths of the room. Her biotics illuminated everything with a power she'd never managed in the past, the light nearly impossible to look at directly. The scars along her face were larger and more open than he remembered from Horizon, the bright orange within pulsing with each heartbeat as clear fluid ran down her cheek. A soft, shuddering sigh escaped his downturned lips as his eyes traced the scars down. They fanned out in every direction across her body. Only the thick straps of dark material covering the bare necessities of her more generous figure interrupted the scars, but they remained unbroken underneath. He didn't need to see them to know with certainty, and his heart seized in his chest with that realization. The changes were subtle, but obvious to him. She looked like a broken eggshell glued back together. She'd been through so much...

Darkness, almost indiscernible from that of the fabric, glistened along her left side reflecting the glow of her biotics. Something was wrong. Only by tracing it back to the source did he know how wrong. A gaping wound peeked out from the edge of one strap, almost completely hidden. Dark fluid poured forth with every throb of her scars, every beat of her heart. The wound was deep and she was in trouble. Did she even realize it?

Her bright eyes were locked on a far corner of the room, her lips pulled into a frightening sneer. She didn't even realize he was there yet. She was so focused on that point nothing else existed… even her wounds.

"What the hell's going on?" Garrus yelled from nearby over the sounds of a small scuffle. He'd chosen to engage a few mercs running from the bar while Alenko ran on, but he was tired of waiting for an update.

Shepard's gaze jerked to the open door and the man filling the frame. Their eyes locked and reality washed away in an instant. Only her face was visible in the brightness once more, just as it always had been. Her features softened and emotions danced across her face too fast to name. It was Shepard. His heart swelled to near bursting as tears pooled along his lower lashes.

The careful, neutral mask of Commander Shepard slid firmly into place locking everything behind it with ruthless efficiency. Her eyes flicked over to the corner.

Power engulfed him. It felt as if his guts were being torn out through his armor and then he was airborne, spinning ass over end. The wall was coming straight for him, too fast to brace for impact.

Everything went dark


	10. Chapter 10

A low moan came from the floor, barely audible over the sounds of shattering glass from the other side of the room, but it was enough to draw attention. The human's eyes fluttered open and then both his arms shot up to cradle his head. At least he was moving. That was a good sign, since the impact looked scary as hell. Human anatomy was complicated and still a bit of a mystery, compounded by the fact that Shepard was the most familiar human and she seemed to shake off almost everything, but countless missions with her made it clear that the neck was a weak point. That was the main area she targeted in close combat, and a quick twist and a snap stopped almost all movement. The fact that a very similar sound came from Alenko as he hit the wall and then went limp made the past few minutes tense and scary, and that was without the biotic brawl taking place on the opposite side of the bar.

"Welcome back." The greeting was low, but warm. It was honestly a relief to see him alert.

The marine sat upright with a little assistance and hit a button on his 'tool. Leaning back with eyes closed, he remained silent while the pain meds did their thing, completely unaware of the scrutiny he was under. The rudimentary scan didn't show any major damage, but an impact like that could cause any number of injuries, so it was necessary to keep a close eye. His movements were a bit stiff and he winced with every loud noise, but the reactions were lessening as the meds coursed through him and everything else appeared to be functioning properly. He was damn lucky – they all were. While he was stubborn and put too much trust in the Alliance, Alenko was a good guy underneath it all. Besides, the thought of what Shepard would do if something actually happened to him…

Speaking of… A quick glance over the side of the makeshift barrier was all the assurance needed. Shepard's brilliant corona of biotics surrounded her, protecting her exposed body from all the attacks by the team of asari the ugly yellow Eclipse armor and the rough looking matron leading the assault. At least the troopers were out of the picture, their bodies crumpled on the floor beside their brethren, so it was just the biotics left to fight it out. The glower on Shepard's face was enough to make trained soldiers quake, so she was in as good a position as possible at the moment. There was time to tend to Kaidan before coming to her aid.

"I can't believe she attacked me," Alenko finally wondered aloud as he shook his head in disbelief.

"Can you honestly blame her after all you said and did?"

"No… I can't." The dejection and pain in his voice were almost too much. "I deserved it and so much more." Bright flashes blue-colored light illuminated his distraught features. He meant every word he said.

Of all the possible responses, that was the most dreaded and yet the one Shepard most deserved. That only left one option: the truth.

"She didn't attack you," Garrus admitted, knowing full well what it may cost him. "You interrupted a stand-off and an asari attacked you. The reave would've killed you in no time if Shepard hadn't thrown you free."

"She saved me?" Kaidan whispered in shock, but the question was drowned out by a familiar grunt of exertion followed by an unfamiliar shriek of pain. There was no taunting, sarcasm, or mutterings of annoyance. That was unlike Shepard. Both men peeked around the overturned table. Shepard hadn't moved from her post near the rear wall. Though she stood tall, there were multiple signs of fatigue including the dangerous flickering of her barrier. "What the hell is she doing? She's hurt."

"She's what?" Garrus cried out as he pulled his sniper rifle free to use the scope to get a closer look. Alenko would've been on his own if that little tidbit was made clear earlier… Sure enough, the telltale dark stain of blood down her side was instantly recognizable.

"No guns!" Shepard barked as she threw a biotic warning shot over their head.

Both men slid down to avoid getting hit. That woman could be so damn frustrating at times. Acting like that was only going to get herself killed. Again.

"Why isn't she finding cover?" Alenko asked and Garrus had the answer.

"She's shielding someone. I didn't get a clear look, but I'm pretty sure it was a human woman."

Alenko's eyes widened as something clicked. "She's the same person she always was, isn't she? Cerberus didn't change her at all, and she was telling me the truth about everything."

"Yeah," Garrus whispered bitter-sweetly.

Kaidan launched over the barricade without a second glance as Garrus crumbled against the wall and stared at the beaten old table in front of him.

"You're letting her slip through your fingers – or talons, as the case may be."

"Kasumi, how long have you been there?" Garrus asked without looking up.

"Long enough to know you drive almost as well as Shep, and that's saying something," she teased gently as she slid down next to the turian. "So you're not going to fight?"

"Shepard said no guns…"

"Now you're just being obstinate," Kasumi interrupted. "You know what I meant. I've seen the way you look at her and I heard what you said to Mr. Alliance earlier. Why are you giving up?"

"I just want her to be happy." Garrus shrugged. It was one of the small mannerisms he picked up from Shepard, and he wore it well. "I'm not giving up, though – just stepping back. They have to figure this out, and I'll be waiting once they do."

"That is romantic," Kasumi sighed, "a lot of people want to see you two together, you know. But you didn't hear that from me. Now let's make sure she lives long enough to be put in an awkward position of choosing between you two." A wicked smile flashed from under her hood as she pulled the turian to standing and then pushed him forward.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: I wanted to finish this story completely today, but my kids just wouldn't cooperate and I wanted to put something up since I missed yesterday. I guess that means one more chapter after this one.

* * *

Every dive bar has its own unique scent but they all have the same basic undercurrents: smoke of varying legalities deeply embedded into every porous surface, stale bodily fluids (the precise type said a lot about the bar in question, and this one was a tale of depravity), and a mixture of alcohols so nasty the fumes alone could strip paint – thought they were no match for the thick layer of sticky grey grime coating every flat surface available. This bar was on the more odiferous side of the scale, but definitely within the normal range for the type of establishment. Well, it was… Now the oppressive scent of death hung heavy in the air. It was no surprise given the number of bodies littering the floor, their blood pooling together into thick, brackish puddles. This was not an unfamiliar smell; soldiers learned to breath around it early in their careers or else find a new line of work. The putrid odor in this room was proving too much for even this soldier; it wasn't the body fluids, smoke, booze, or even death that did it.

The dying shriek echoed in her mind as Shepard tore her gaze from the asari. The scene was bad enough, but the smell… A hard swallow was all that kept the bile down. Disemboweling was a horrible way to go, and the results weren't pleasant for anyone in the vicinity, either. The odor was so heavy it practically coated the tongue, and that was one thing nobody wanted to taste. Especially since her last meal was apparently gangrenous road kill curry, heavy on the burnt hair. At least there was a bright side. Pure luck, a well-timed pull, and an overturned stool finally made it an even fight, and not a moment too soon.

Pale blue flickered across Shepard's exposed flesh as she stared down the asari bartender through blurry eyes. Even distorted as she was, bartender looked like a raging bitch and it wasn't just resting bitch face. She earned her position in this shit-heap of a bar by being mean, scary, and able to back it up. At least it was just a one-on-one situation now. The world grayed around the edges as the stand-off continued; the tank was on E and the remnants of the barrier held on through sheer stubbornness alone. It was time to shit or get off the pot. The room dimmed as the feeble barrier finally died. Every bit of power was needed for this attack since it was going to be the last one no matter what; there was simply nothing left. A soft grunt tore from Shepard's lips as she threw everything she had into the warp and hoped for the best. The exertion was almost too much and her eyes fluttered closed just to preserve enough energy to remain upright.

A bright flash lit up the room, visible even through closed eyelids, and then she was jerked around before she could even process what happened. A softer light enveloped her as a familiar hum filled her mind. Solid armor pressed into her back as strong arms held her from behind, creating a human shield and not a moment too soon. The shockwave from the explosion knocked them both to their knees as shrapnel in the form of glass and metal flew through the air, embedding deep into the surfaces around them.

Kaidan's hot breath was calm and even on her neck as debris rained down harmlessly over their forms. The embrace was so familiar, so warm; it instantly brought back all those old memories. She instinctively snuggled in, committing to memory this fleeting moment and the warmth it created as a way to ease the long lonely nights ahead on the Normandy. The embrace lingered on long after the room fell silent. It wasn't until the soft crunch of footsteps on broken glass shattered the fresh quiet that she came to her senses. Their last embrace ended with a shattered heart, so this one had to end before something worse happened. She tried to stand, tried to pull away, but there was simply no strength left. Kaidan understood. He stood in one fluid motion and pulled her with, but made it look like she was in full control. That simple little action set something off inside her. He knew her, knew what she wanted without having to ask, knew her tells, and yet he walked away. The pain resurfaced, as fresh as if they were still on Horizon, but it turned to anger instantly.

Shepard spun to face him the moment they were fully upright. Her eyes flashed dangerously as they fell on his familiar face. "What the hell are you doing here? Did you come to see the Cerberus monster in action? If so, congrats; I hope you're happy."

Garrus changed direction mid-stride and made a beeline for the fallen asari to check for signs of life. That was going to be his order anyway, and they both knew it. No sense waiting to be told when he could eavesdrop on a much more interesting discussion that was currently underway.

"I came to help…" Kaidan began to explain.

"I don't need saving." Shepard interrupted. "I'm not a damsel in distress, and you sure as hell aren't my white knight."

"What would've happened to you if I wasn't here?" he asked carefully, gesturing to the chaos surrounding them.

"You mean the asari? None of that would've happened if you hadn't shown up. It was just a biotic pissing contest and I was kicking ass, by the way, then you popped in and they saw the…" so many words raced through her mind – relief, excitement, love… "…recognition, and attacked. I almost had them backed down completely before that. So thanks a fucking bunch."

"Joker and Garrus said you were in trouble…"

"I'll deal with them later," Shepard called over her shoulder to the turian on the far side of the room. He simply nodded without looking up; there were going to be repercussions and he had to know it going in, but he came anyway. She expected nothing less from him. A heavy sigh escaped her lips as she watched her friend work. Alenko didn't deserve an explanation, but Garrus did and he was obviously listening. "I just wanted a night out, away from my reality. I didn't go looking for trouble." The last part was a blatant lie, but she sure as shit wasn't going to admit as much.

Shepard turned back to find Kaidan watching her uncomfortably close. She wasn't going to admit _that_ part of the truth, but telling him the rest seemed like the perfect thing to do under the circumstances. "I just wanted to get blackout drunk and get laid, hence the outfit. Or was that not obvious?" she asked as she smoothed the straps across her chest.

Hurt flashed in his eyes as he watched her calmly. Good; she wanted him to feel even a tiny bit of the pain she did. He shook his head slowly. "I don't buy it. You probably passed twenty bars on your way here, all full of better… opportunities." The last word hissed through clenched teeth. He was jealous, though he didn't have any right. He was the one who walked away.

"Bars full of normal people; people who cross the street when they see me coming; people who try to protect the criminals from _me_. This was the one place someone who looks like _this_ could drink in peace, because scary is normal here, respected even.."

"That's why you wore the cloak," Kaidan muttered to himself, as if that reason had never crossed his mind.

"Congrats on figuring that one out." Sarcasm practically dripped from every word. "It did precisely dick, though. I'm sure you just following reports of the scary woman and ended up at my feet, right?"

Kaidan wouldn't make eye contact. That was all the answer needed. It figured.

Silence stretched between them with until he finally asked the big question. "But why?"

"I just wanted to feel human again." Shepard's voice was raw and wounded as she yelled in the man's face. The truth wasn't supposed to escape and she wasn't prepared for it. The crunch of boots on glass got close and talons softly gripped the soft skin above her elbow, but she shook them off as she stared down her former lover. It was all out there now, might as well finish. "It wasn't until I was here, three bottles deep and staring at a dead krogan at my feet that I remembered I don't need anyone else. I can make myself feel human."

"I can't believe you just said that," a soft voice giggled.

"Yeah, Kasumi," Shepard sighed, her lips quirked up in a tight, self-conscious smile as she looked over the marine's shoulder, "I just realized what I said. I guess me making myself feel human in my own cabin is cheaper and easier, eh? Lesson learned. Now quit gawking and come help me."

"Oh, you're no fun," Kasumi pouted as she materialized directly behind Alenko. "I was just admiring the view. You know how I like my soldiers."

"Get this waitress over to a chair and admire from afar. Just be careful; I heard something snap when she fell and she's too sand blasted to feel it."


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Yeah, I know... I'm being an ending tease. I just can't wrap it up quite yet. Sorry!

* * *

 _…_ _just wanted to feel human…_

The world tilted dangerously and it took everything he had not to tumble over with it as the words echoed through his head. Reality continued on without him – little jokes were shared, orders were given, but none of that really registered. A hot flash shot through him as those simple words reverberated throughout his mind. Any lingering doubt, however small, evaporated the instant those pained words were thrown in his face like a weapon, and like usual, Shepard hit her target with expert precision. They meant more than she let on and only he knew it, but there was no way to search her face for the truth. Garrus planted himself firmly between the two, completely blocking her from sight.

"We're closed," Shepard barked suddenly, but Kaidan was too distracted to comprehend why until a new voice responded.

"No shit," a husky female voice responded. "Looks like you had all the fun without me."

There was no danger. Everyone else carried on like this new arrival was familiar, which was a good thing because Kaidan was trapped in his own mind, reeling from the emotional wound. _…_ _feel human…_ There was a hidden message in that particular phrase, and his treacherous mind dragged him back to the origin – back to the dim captain's quarters on the SR-1. His heart pounded in his chest as Shepard's pale fingers pulled across his jaw, the soft scratch of his stubble the only sound in the room. Their eyes were locked and he knew he would happily drown in those emerald pools. Truth was he already had. Shaky hands encircled her slender waist and she quivered under his touch as the universe seemed to hold its breath. Swallowing hard, it took two separate tries to even find his breath but she needed to know what this meant. Before her, he was only a freak – a monster even to others like him. In her arms, though… "You make me feel… human."

Kaidan shook his head hard to clear the memory away. What had once been beautiful and perfect now sent pain radiating from his very core, the ache raw and real. The stench of the bar chased the lingering shadows of that night away, back to harsh reality. Bright blue armor continued to obscure the woman so desperately on his mind but her pale hand popped into view as it patted the turian's shoulder. Dark stains ringed the edges of her fingers, the dried blood proof of the night's struggle.

"Shit, Shepard, I didn't think you had it in you," the husky voice got louder as she approached. How much time passed? It was impossible to tell as the woman continued on, "straps are a little wide for my taste but you pull it off, and your scars look badass. Now we just need to get you some ink…" The words died on her lips as she finally came into view and locked eyes with Alenko. The heavily tattooed bald woman stared, her gaze fierce enough to melt metal. It took a moment, but he was able to place her; she'd been on Horizon and saw everything. Her unreadable gaze flicked over to Shepard and back. After half a beat she effortlessly jumped the bar, grabbed a bottle, and poured two shots. Slamming one back and placing the other on the bar near Shepard, she jerked her head his direction. "What the fuck is he doing here?"

Nobody responded – not that he could hear, at least. Garrus briefly looked over his shoulder and shrugged, then walked away. No doubt he had orders to follow through on. There was no other way he'd leave Shepard's side in this state. Sure enough, the cool dual toned voice filled the room as soon as he stepped from view, but the conversation was lost. It wasn't important right now.

Kaidan's breath hitched as she finally came into view. Her lanky frame leaned heavily against the bar, letting the sticky surface support her weight almost completely. She looked beat, like she'd used all the fight left in her. Guilt slammed into him, crushing his spirit as the truth became clear. She felt like he had all those years ago; like she was a freak, a monster in her own mind, and his rejection was all the proof she needed.

"I'm so sorry," Kaidan whispered hoarsely as he stumbled forward and one shaky hand reached out for her, desperate for any contact. "I was such a fool. I didn't even think…"

"No, you didn't," Shepard hissed as she pulled away ever so slightly.

The tiny movement created an odd sucking sound as dark bubbles formed along the black straps of her outfit. His heart dropped. She was even more hurt than he'd realized, but kept it hidden from her crew. The infiltrator maintained a quiet conversation with the barely lucid waitress and Garrus was in the middle of a call, updating Joker on Shepard's status without so much as a word of injury. Only the bald woman watched the commander a little closer than before, and she responded by placing another drink on the bar. That wasn't going to be enough by a long shot.

"Let me help you," he begged quietly as he met her gaze.

"And what if I say no?" Her eyes flashed defiantly. She could be so damn stubborn.

"What do you want me to say, Shepard? That I'll hit you with a stasis, toss you in a chair, and tie you down just to…"

"Kinky," the bald woman interrupted with a depraved grin, "but you'd have to come through us first."

"If it meant…"Kaidan began, but was cut off once again.

"He could try," Garrus called out from the far side of the room.

"I'd find a way through all of you if that's what it took to make sure she was safe," Kaidan replied evenly, loud enough for all to hear. He had everyone's full attention, but his eyes were only for Shepard.

"Step away from the Commander," a new voice demanded.

"Shit, who invited the cheerleader?" The tattooed woman's glossy lips pulled up in disgust. Shepard followed her gaze and sighed. "Relax Miranda; he isn't here to hurt me." Kaidan had just enough time to look over his shoulder before all hell broke loose. Everyone began shouting at once, but the gun pointed directly at Kaidan's head never wavered. Instincts kicked in and Kaidan's barrier sprang to life as the brunette smirked. "Damn it, Miranda, put the gun down," Shepard shouted as the woman behind the bar made a smartass remark that Kaidan couldn't hear, which only managed to get the new arrival even more agitated. "You're not helping, Jack," Shepard barked. "Kaidan, back down. Lawson, I gave you a fucking order!" A glass shattered inches above the hoity brunette's perfectly coifed hair. She sighed dramatically as she blinked away the fine spray of alcohol, but at least the gun finally dropped. That didn't make Kaidan feel any more secure, though. The hum of the combined biotics in the room was near-deafening during the entire ordeal. He was seriously outgunned if things came to blows.

"Damn it, Miranda, you made me waste a perfectly good drink," Shepard groused angrily despite the fact that Jack placed a fresh glass at her elbow. A significantly heavier glass, Kaidan noted. Jack saw the look and a sly smirk spread across her face. There was no love lost between her and the new arrival. Hopefully that would benefit him if things got tense a second time. Best things didn't come to that, though.

"Can we talk in private, please?" Kaidan asked Shepard hesitantly.

"They can hear anything you need to say to me. This is my crew – my family. They're the ones who believe in me, even though some of them can't follow simple fucking directions." Shepard paused long enough to give Miranda a pointed look before turning back to him. "They know who and what I am, yet they still trust me to lead them into hell." The implication sent another pang through his heart. She stared straight into the depths of his soul, her mouth turned down in sad acceptance.

"I deserve that. I deserve all of this," Kaidan said simply. "I'm sorry for Horizon; I handled it all wrong. I spent the last two years thinking you were dead…"

"I was," Shepard replied flatly.

"I have the proof. You can see all the grizzly pictures if you want. I'm sure you'll have wonderful dreams afterward." Miranda taunted with a tight grin.

"I didn't mean for any of this to happen," Kaidan continued on, completely ignoring Miranda, "and I said what I did because I was listening to the information I'd been given – the information from people I trusted. I didn't know…"

"Jeff didn't need others to tell him I was me. Garrus followed me without a second thought. I expected the same from you. Hell, I thought _you_ would find _me_ ," Shepard roared as she blinked back tears. She paused to take several deep breaths and regain control, and that was the only sound in the room. Everyone froze at the rare sight of vulnerability from their mighty commander.

"I'm glad you're surrounded by people who trust you. I know Joker and Garrus will take care of you because they love you…"

The hooded woman gasped slightly as Jack chuckled knowingly. Shepard cocked her head in confusion, and then her eyes widened as understanding washed over her. All eyes flicked over to the turian. His back stiffened, but he didn't turn to meet her stare. Apparently that wasn't common knowledge, after all. That didn't matter at this point.

"You need to know that they aren't the only ones, though. I love you…"

"You said _loved_ on Horizon. Past tense," Jack interrupted.

"You were pretty clear on that, Alenko," Garrus added for good measure.

"I know what I said," Kaidan said as he struggled to maintain his calm. "I was hurt and confused, and I didn't…"

" _You_ were hurt?" Shepard yelled.

"Can I finish a damn thought?" Kaidan yelled back. Shepard blinked in surprise, but nodded slowly. He didn't mean to yell, and it only made him feel even more out of control. None of this was going like he hoped, but there was no going back now.

"I was hurt, Shepard. When you died you took a part of my heart with you. I locked myself away because the pain was too much to handle and I didn't want to share it. I refused to talk to anyone who tried until they all gave up. I deserved it, I earned that pain. I wouldn't even answer Joker's calls, but not because I blamed him; because I blamed myself. If I'd just disobeyed your orders and came with you…"

"It wasn't your fault. You would've only gotten yourself killed too," Shepard whispered.

"And I would've been fine with that. It would've been better than living without you." Kaidan's eyes lingered on Shepard's face – the face that filled his dreams from the moment their eyes met. Despite the subtle changes and impossible odds, it was still her somehow. "I started to think _what if_ … what if some of those religions were right… what if there was an afterlife? What was so damn important to keep me here when there was a chance I could be with you…?" Kaidan looked away, unable to admit the truth to her face. "I started taking risky assignments nobody else wanted, drank myself half to death, got into insane bar fights, but I kept waking up every damn morning. And I hated it."

"Then one morning I woke up and looked in the mirror, and I thought about what you would say if you saw me like that. And I realized I needed to finish what you started. I needed to see the good in people, to help the little guy, to protect the universe from the threat we all knew was coming, because the best person for the job wasn't around anymore. I needed to be the light that went out when you died."


	13. Chapter 13

This discussion really deserved to be held behind closed doors; it was much too raw and private to be held out in the open but it was too late for that now. The silence in the room was oppressive as all the hapless witnesses to the emotional exchange froze, not knowing what to do or how to react to the Alliance soldier's pure, unadulterated pain after he appeared so collected and emotionally distant on Horizon. His gaze was so desperate, so open…

Shepard looked away, frantically searching the room for something else to focus on lest the tightness in the back of her throat turn to actual tears. The welfare of her crew – that was a good place to start. How were they handling this? Jack leaned back against the wall behind the bar, one eyebrow raised in appraisal as she took a long tug at the bottle in her hand. Her gaze flicked over to the commander, but there was no smart remark or eye roll or any other reaction she'd come to expect. That didn't help at all, so Shepard looked over the rest of the room. Miranda was busy searching the corpses - probably for any useful information. She was always busy. That wasn't distracting enough, so Shepard searched out the other two crew members. Garrus loomed over the drugged out waitress almost protectively with his back to the room, but his shoulders slumped and his hands hung limp at his side. Only the tilt of his head gave away the fact that he was listening. Slight movement at his side pulled her attention away, though. That's when she realized the full weight of her folly. The bar's low light caught the beads of moisture on Kasumi's cheeks as her body trembled. Guilt hit Shepard like a sucker punch. She'd been so damn focused on her own pain she didn't realize the hurt she was actually causing.

Gentle fingers cupped her chin and redirected her attention back to the place she feared and craved in equal measure. Tears lined Kaidan's bloodshot eyes, but the pain was softened by amazement and hope. His full lips trembled as he drank in the vision of her, seemingly unable to quench his thirst.

"And now you're back," he whispered reverently as his hand caressed her cheek.

"Don't," Shepard said as she pulled away from the outstretched hand. Nobody aside from Dr. Chakwas and Miranda had touched the exposed cybernetics up to that point, and the fact that his hand was so close terrified her. That was all the proof anyone needed that she was different now and it was as clear as the nose on her face – more so, since her nose didn't glow. Maybe it was just a test; one quick grope of the open wound to prove she wasn't 100% human.

The hurt and confusion on his face made it instantly clear that she was paranoid. That wasn't how Kaidan worked. If nothing else, he was painfully genuine and overly cautious. That gesture was nothing but pure acceptance and love.

A cool stillness washed over her body, and it wasn't just shock from blood loss setting in. Her brain went into self-preservation mode just as easily as her body, pushing all those pesky emotions deep into the recesses of the mind. That was the only way to finish this the way it had to end - the only way that would let her sleep at night… hopefully. In reality, that's when those deep recesses opened and let all the dark stuff out, but at least it was within the confines of the locked cabin when nobody was around to hear the sobs. And there would be sobs.

"I can't do this, Kaidan," Shepard said simply. "We can't do this. It was nice while it lasted, but that time has passed."

"Why? Are you trying to hurt me like I hurt you?"

"No," she replied with an almost bitter chuckle, "it's just the opposite, actually." And it was the truth. She'd been so blinded by her own feelings of loss, desperation, and eventual rejection that his emotional well-being never fully occurred to her. There was a general assumption, but it was so far from reality it may as well have been no consideration at all. He was suicidal because of her death; he simply gave up, yet he somehow clawed his way back from the edge. He found a new sense of purpose and a renewed zest for life, and he honestly deserved it.

"This…" Shepard gestured at herself with one hand without shifting too much. The bar was all that kept her upright at this point, and even the smallest movements were risky. "This is just temporary. The only reason I'm alive at all is to stop the Collectors, and I will, but that means going through the Omega-4 Relay. "

"No… you can't…" Kaidan whispered in horror.

"I have to," Shepard interrupted matter-of-factly, pointedly ignoring the disgusted huff from the other side of the room. If Miranda didn't like that she shared that info, then that was just too damn bad. He deserved to know. There was nothing he or anyone could do to stop them anyway. "I'm the only one who's trying to stop the Collectors to begin with. It would be me and my team even if that wasn't the case, though. We're all outcasts who've lost too much already, misfits without a place to fit in. It's a hell of a lot easier to prepare yourself for a one-way trip when you have nothing to come back to."

"You have me."

Shepard shook her head slowly, steeling herself for what had to be done. A soft, sympathetic smile hid the torment within as all her private hopes and dreams died silently to protect the man in front of her. "Forget about me. Find someone who makes you happy and settle down. Have the big, happy family you always wanted…"

"I only wanted that with you," his hoarse voice cut in.

"That was never really possible, and we both know it," Shepard responded quietly. Tension radiated through her head and neck as she squeezed her eyes shut tightly, partially to keep the tears at bay but mostly because any sight of those warm eyes and her resolve would disappear. "My place in the universe disappeared two years ago. I don't belong here anymore. All I can do now is work my ass off to make sure you're… _everyone_ is as safe as possible before it catches back up with me, because it's only a matter of time." Shit. She slipped up and there was no way he missed it. Now he knew she still cared.

"Sorry," Shepard mumbled as she ungracefully twisted along the bar. Turning your back on someone is damn near impossible when you're holding yourself up to begin with, but she found a way and didn't give a shit how awkward it looked. "That's all I have to say on the issue."

With her back firmly to the room, Shepard felt a little more in control. "Miranda, help Kasumi with the waitress," she ordered confidently. Back to work. That always helped. A quick nod of the head was all it took to get Jack working on another drink and the familiar dual-toned voice in the background meant Garrus resumed his calls. Hopefully everyone would stay busy enough to keep off her ass until Kaidan left. Then Garrus would need to rush over to patch her up, since she wasn't going anywhere in this condition. Miranda was the obvious choice, but she currently had a stick up her ass and there was no way Shepard would let her close in that mood. All that had to wait until there was more privacy, though, because none of her wounds were visible despite the meager clothing. That was something that just didn't need to be seen by everyone.

Jack turned around with a fresh drink – a strong one based on the fumes. One eyebrow raised almost imperceptibly as she glanced over Shepard's shoulder before setting the drink down. That was the only warning Shepard got.

"You can't protect me," Kaidan whispered in her ear. "If you die, it will break my heart all over again no matter what."

Shepard pulled back in shock, the sudden movement throwing her off balance until she teetered dangerously on the edge of the bar. Sheer stubbornness alone kept her upright, but damned if she'd admit it openly. Confident she wouldn't fall; Shepard focused on the man's tired yet perceptive features. That little display was all the assurance he needed that his assumption was correct.

"I won't try to change your mind, no matter how disappointed I may be," he said through a gentle, sad frown. "But will you at least let me patch you up before I go… for old time's sake? Or are you going to stubbornly bleed out here in the bar just to prove a point?"

A shot of indignant anger coursed through Shepard at the accusation, and then she noticed the sad smile tugging at the corners of the man's mouth. He was trying to make a joke to lighten the mood.

"You're just trying to get me out of my clothes," Shepard shot back, and he blinked in shock. Two could play that game. "I don't think everyone needs to see this mess, though. Nobody's touching me unless I have something to maintain a modicum of privacy."

"You realize how you're dressed, right Shep?" Kasumi called across the room. She had a point.

"That's enough from you," Shepard responded. There were some things coworkers simply didn't need to see and her bare body was at the top of that list.

"If you need medical attention I should..." Miranda began.

"No," Shepard interrupted without even making eye contact. Instead, she was busy trying to will Garrus to turn around. His was the only other opinion she actually wanted.

"Need I remind you I was..."

"No. Don't make me throw another glass to prove a point because Jack gave me the heavy stuff this time. It'll leave a pretty mark."

That finally did it; Garrus turned around to see if she was actually serious. She was, but only a little; it was an idle threat she would back up if necessary, but Miranda backed down. Once Shepard had his attention she shrugged slightly. He was a good friend and she trusted him implicitly; she wouldn't do this if he didn't think it was a good idea. It took a few moments, but Garrus eventually sighed and nodded. That was all she needed. They had a lot to talk about, but plenty of time to do so back on the Normandy. This had to happen now.

"There's a back room over here," Jack interjected. She saw the little interaction and knew what it meant. "What, you guys didn't think this was my first time in this shithole did you?" she asked with a broad grin.

That was as good a solution as any. The truth was, her body was giving out and medical attention was necessary anyway. Beyond that, she and Kaidan had a lot more to discuss since he saw through her so easily. This time it had to be in private. That was one lesson learned.

Shepard made eye contact with the marine and nodded, but made no attempt to move. Instead, she waited for him to approach. Once he was close enough, she admitted the truth. "I don't think I can walk in there on my own," she whispered in his ear. "My leg is torn up and won't hold my weight."

"Which side?" he asked quietly.

Shepard jerked her head to the side and he nodded. That was the side he slipped under, supporting her weight fully while giving everyone else the impression that she was walking with minimal assistance, and the followed Jack into the darkest depths of the bar.


	14. Chapter 14

The screen on the 'tool begged for attention, but it was no match for the dismal reminders trailing out of the room; every dark droplet caused a pang of guilt that took hold and wouldn't let go, but that wasn't enough self-torture to ease the burden. It would never be enough if things went bad. Treacherous eyes followed the trail back to the bar, knowing full well the pain that awaited him. Sticky darkness stained the bar and dripped slowly into a dark ugly puddle on the floor, too large to be caused by a mere flesh wound. Shepard was hurt and he knew it, but he forgot about it as soon as he saw them together, as soon as he saw the way her eyes lit up at his presence. She refused to admit the extent of her wounds for fear of looking weak and nobody pressed her on it; hell, most of them probably didn't even realize the full extent, but he had. The sniper scope told him everything he needed to know, but he pushed it aside… And now it could be too late. They may have put on a good show, but Shepard did not walk into that back room; Alenko practically carried her. And no simple patch-up job took this long. His heart fell as the reality of the situation hit home. Things were direr than she let on; it was just a question of how much.

"Vakarian, are you with me?" the voice called out from the small screen. The C-Sec officer on the other side of the call looked concerned. He'd probably called out a few times before he was successful.

"Yeah, sorry; I got distracted. Go ahead," Garrus responded as he dragged his eyes away from the grizzly scene in front of him. It was an almost impossible task.

"I found an opening in a place that fits the bill. It's an in-patient rehab facility with family quarters available. They even have staff to assist with minors… but it isn't cheap."

"Perfect. We'll have the patient over shortly, and don't worry about the cost. Commander Shepard is personally handling the bill."

The officer paled and started stammering. " _The_ Commander Shepard? I though she died a few years ago…"

"Just a nasty rumor," Garrus replied evenly despite the sick flip of his stomach. "Send us a nav point and we'll have her there within the hour."

At least they had something actionable to go on, now. With any luck, they'd have everything squared away by the time Shepard was good to go.

"We've got a facility lined up," Garrus called out as he approached the two women hovering around the waitress.

"Good, because I think we found her son, too." Kasumi answered as Garrus came to a stop next to them. "I found him," Miranda corrected, but Kasumi just shrugged. That was the perfect reaction to the situation; there was no reason to get into a pissing match with the grouchy Cerberus agent.

"Good job, Miranda; now you get to make sure she's fit for travel, because here's where you're taking her." Garrus struggled to keep the laughter from his face as he showed the destination. Shepard didn't explicitly order Miranda to complete the mission but she more than earned it with her attitude. She may be second-in-command on the Normandy, but not out in the field. That was a position Garrus earned through a literal trial-by-fire and everyone knew it.

Kasumi smiled in appreciation of the turn of events, but it was sad… almost sympathetic. That was the last thing he wanted, but that didn't matter to her. "How are you holding up?" she asked delicately.

"Fine; why wouldn't I be?"

"I know you've accomplished everything that soldier has and then some. And you have way more style while you do it, too. I mean, you're Archangel; you have fan clubs for heaven's sake. I bet he doesn't." Her soft had patted his arm. "Shep knows it, too, because you've been by her side the entire time. You're an important part..."

"It's over, isn't it? I lost…"

"Any other person, any other time, there'd be no contest." Kasumi smiled encouragingly, but that wasn't the end of the discussion. "I knew that look on Shepard's face the moment I saw it, though. It was what I felt inside every time I saw Keiji. Shepard's heart belongs to him completely. She loves him. Even after all he did and said her feelings never even waivered."

"That's what I was afraid of," Garrus muttered.

"Love is nothing more than an illusion caused by the brain's chemistry. It's just there to keep two people together long enough to procreate," Miranda interjected smarmily as she finished scanning the waitress.

"Says the woman who probably never found anyone else perfect enough to love," Kasumi mumbled, but it was loud enough for those perfect ears to pick up.

"No... says the woman who was not lucky enough to have her relationship end with death," Miranda shot back with barely controlled venom. Her hands jerked suddenly and the rude sentiment was punctuated by the wet crack of bones sliding into place. Kasumi gasped in shock, Garrus's mandibles flared in disbelief, and the waitress uttered a rather subdued and delayed "ouch". No wonder Shepard didn't want Miranda to patch her up. "Things get significantly less romantic once the love-haze slips and you're back in the real world. Not that you'd know."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Jack screamed from across the room as Kasumi disappeared from sight. At least the soft weeping meant she hadn't fled into the night. "We get it – you're a bitter bitch. You're probably going to die angry and alone if you keep it up, and you'll deserve it. That doesn't mean you need to shit on everyone else."

"Hey!" Garrus shouted to be heard over the start of an ugly shouting match. "Shepard is in the next room, and she doesn't need to deal with this right now. Get it under control. Miranda, take the waitress to this nav point; they're expecting her. Jack, go with her to make sure she doesn't get jumped."

Jack's eyes narrowed. "And who will protect her from me?"

"You could try," Miranda taunted.

"Fine; take her by yourself if you're that cocky. Just remember, anything happens to the waitress and you'll have to answer to Shepard. She didn't almost give her life protecting that woman for you to ruin it by not playing well with others."

"Consider it done," she replied icily as she yanked the barely-conscious waitress to her feet and led her out the door.

"Hey Kasumi, want a drink? I'm buying," Jack called out to the empty void. The grating of a stool across the floor as it pulled up to the bar was as good an answer as any. Everything seemed to be in control, so this was a good a time to check on Shepard. They'd been back there far too long and concern could no longer be pushed aside.

The door to the back office slid open to reveal a scene of utter chaos. It was almost as if… Shepard had been there. Nobody could destroy a place quite like her. Data pads, overturned boxes, and crates of liquor littered the floor, making it almost impossible to venture deeper. Sparks from a computer terminal lit up the floor where it'd fallen; the flashes the only source of light within the room. None of the other lighting would turn on. How could anyone work under these conditions? Garrus pulled out a light source and swept it over the scene. From the looks of it, the desk was the only clear area in the room, and even it wasn't spotless. A small puddle of fluid marred the surface – most likely Shepard's blood. At least that was proof he was in the right place. More evidence of her wounds became clear as his eyes adjusted to the lighting. Stained towels and rags littered almost every surface, the dark smears proof of her grievous injuries. But where was she?

"Shepard?" Garrus called out tentatively. "Alenko, is everything ok?"

The shadows behind the desk shifted. What if someone had slipped through Shepard's initial attack and laid in wait? That would explain the blood, and the two missing soldiers… Garrus jerked the light over to the movement and froze, his heart dropping through his feet in an instant.

Alenko leaned heavily into the corner. Blood smeared across his face, the deep crimson coloring most of his forehead and one cheek save a thick line washed clean by tears, but he wouldn't look up. His dark eyes remained locked on the still form in his lap. A heavy sigh shuddered through the soldier and the small movement was just enough to shake the hood away from the shock of red hair against his chest. Trembling hands smoothed the flaming mane and pulled the hood back into place.

"Kaidan," Garrus whispered. His voice was tight from panic, "is she…"

Kaidan shook his head slowly. "No, she fell asleep. The night finally caught up to her."

Garrus cautiously approached and offered a hand to the Alliance marine, but he didn't see it. His eyes were pressed firmly closed as he cherished this little moment of peace. Suddenly Garrus felt like an intruder on an intimate moment. All the little signs of wear were gone from the Commander's face, replaced by a sweet upturn of her lips. Shepard hadn't looked that serene the entire time she'd been back, and yet she found comfort nestled in against hard armor. She found her home.

"I just…" Kaidan's voice cracked with emotion, but he pushed on, "I didn't think I'd have to say goodbye to her again so soon." A single tear rolled down his cheek and disappeared into Shepard's hair.

Garrus blinked several times, his mandibles pulsing in confusion. "You're not… the two of you aren't…"

"No," Alenko laughed humorlessly, "Shepard never changes her mind once she makes a decision. You know that."

Soft blue light filled the room. Kaidan wrapped his biotics around Shepard to hold her in place as he adjusted his grip and stood, but the black cloak slipped exposing bare feet and pale ankles as Shepard shifted slightly against his chest. She mumbled her disapproval into his neck as she slept. His mouth turned up in bittersweet smile as he adjusted the cloak and pulled the hood back into place and smoothed them lovingly.

"Take care of her, Garrus," Alenko pleaded as he approached the turian. "She gets so focused on everyone else she forgets about herself. Make sure she's cared for, too."

The full weight of the request hit Garrus so hard he nearly stumbled. All he could do was nod earnestly until he found his voice. "I promise."

A shuddering sigh, the sound of a breaking heart, filled the room as Kaidan offered his burden to the turian.

"You know what, Alenko? I hurt my shoulder earlier," Garrus lied to his friend. "You should probably carry her home."


	15. Chapter 15

Dreams, warm and pleasant for the first time since… well, since life was much simpler, disappeared as if by the flip of a switch and a low groan of disappointment filled the silence. Unfortunately, once the bright fire of consciousness awakened there was no going back, no matter how great the dream or how exhausted the body. Hopefully exhaustion was the culprit, since even the smallest movements hurt. Everything hurt. Shepard ignored the protestations of her swollen, bloodied knuckles and pulled a pillow over her face to block out the light. It was intent on murder; that had to be the reason the bright rays seared through her closed lids and shredded her already tender brain. Darkness was her only protection but it couldn't ease the ache. Every single heartbeat echoed throughout her head; Hell, even her eyeballs had a pulse of their own, and the rhythmic throbs merged together, a wave of pain rippling through her as a not-so-gentle reminder she wasn't in her twenties anymore.

Hangovers were a real bitch and liquor is the devil. Now to find out what fresh hell it had gotten her into.

The first step was figuring out where the hell she was, and then she could assess the damages done. Shepard cracked one eye and peaked out from under the relative safety afforded by the pillow. It was almost impossible to see through the pulsing, but her cabin slowly came into view in the aquarium's soft light. So did the first casualties. Another three fish floated along the top of the water with the patience of the dead. The Council could make a compelling case against her as a war criminal with only her aquarium as evidence if she ever ended up on their shit list, since she was single-handedly eradicating an entire species fully dependent on her. Maybe it was time to take Kelly up on that offer… Nope. All the fish would die a slow, painful death before that Cerberus tattletale was welcomed into her cabin. Personal responsibility for her pets was the only other solution. A frustrated sigh turned into a jagged gasp as something deep within her chest pulled and the room began to swim. What the hell happened last night?

That was the question, wasn't it? Shepard steeled herself and dove into the dark void that was the night before, pushing through the thick veil of several bottles of questionable alcohol, and instantly regretted it. Everything came rushing back at once, too fast to do anything but relent to the onslaught. Visions of the scores of dead guilty of testing her mettle and the people beat senseless along the way became a blur. So many victims, their blood still thick under her nails, but they brought about their own fate when their ill will met her fiery temper. But she fucked up. Innocent people got hurt, too. Images of Kasumi's tears, Garrus hanging his head in dejection, of Kaidan's amber eyes silently pleading… they haunted her more than all the dead combined.

"Fuck," The simple, one syllable word started as a moan but became a shriek as it drew out over several beats until dying into soft sobs. Even that rollercoaster wasn't enough to match what she felt inside. Shepard covered her face with one bare arm, desperate to blot out the sight of those tender eyes filled with so much pain, but it only made it worse. His scent clung to her skin, making her ache even more. It was too much to handle.

Pain, regret and fear toyed with her, working in unison to send her plummeting over the edge. He was free of her, free to find a happy life elsewhere. Her stomach churned as she realized the full weight of her decision despite her confidence it was the right thing to do. But now her future was empty. She swallowed against the hard lump in her throat and panicked when she discovered it wasn't just emotions. Shepard flung herself out of bed and ran for the toilet as she gagged on bile.

Though definitely on the mend, her wounded leg found the sudden movement taxing and the few stairs proved too much. It simply gave out, sending her sprawling across the floor. Those were going to be some pretty bruises, but they had plenty of company.

"Do you need assistance, Commander?" EDI's even voice filled the cabin, but Shepard ignored it. She didn't dare open her mouth, because chances were good it wouldn't be words that escaped. Instead, she threw the few remaining shreds of dignity aside and crawled to the bathroom with surprising speed.

This one small room was her temple. The cool tiles supported her, the splashing a requiem for the dead that masked her sobs and moans, the sting of soap in open wounds her penance, and the water washed away her sins and took her tears with them. The night, and everything it symbolized, slowly circled the drain and disappeared. She had the one thing she needed: closure. That was what every personal mission came down to, and this was no different. Now it was time to move forward. Shepard rose shakily, but with purpose, and limped out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel and a look of resigned determination. It all fell away the second she saw her desk.


	16. Chapter 16

"Damn, I need to start following your conditioning routine."

Shepard jumped and spun, her biotics dancing along her bare flesh ready for whoever managed to sneak up on her. Kasumi's mysterious dark eyes glittered with amusement from under her hood as she stared back calmly. That was no real surprise. Shepard hesitated for a fraction of a second as she decided her order of action, but it was a no-brainer. Her hand shot forward and turned off the new holo on her desk then gathered the fallen towel from the floor. Standing stark-ass naked in front of a crew member was less exposing than that one simple image.

"What was that?" Kasumi asked with piqued interest.

"I'm assuming it was a gift – a private one," Shepard responded pointedly. "Was Commander Alenko aboard last night?"

The sudden change in topic didn't faze Kasumi. She followed the transition with ease, since it was clearly all connected. "Yes he was," she answered through a wide, knowing grin. "He insisted he take you directly to Dr. Chakwas and nobody wanted to tell him no. Well… Miranda didn't agree, but she was outnumbered. You should've seen it; she practically had kittens when she realized we weren't going to back down. That perfect complexion of hers got all blotchy and red and her nostrils flared with every breath," a deep, hearty laugh filled the cabin as Kasumi relived the scene from the night before, "and then she stomped those ridiculously high heels all the way back to her cabin, muttering about bugs and treason, then threatened to tell on us…"

"But was he in my quarters?"

"Yeah, he carried you up once Doc was done – said he wanted to tuck you in one last time…"

Shepard stared at the dark frame nestled next to the one personal photo she owned. The single indulgence she allowed herself now had a companion. The familiar, slightly younger version of Kaidan stared back calmly with the secret smile meant for her, a stolen shot from a bit of downtime on the SR-1 and her own little secret that he never knew about… until now. There was no way he hadn't seen it, since he left another image of his own next to it. The now-blank frame contained the only image in existence of the two of them together not bothering to hide their mutual affection. She remembered the moment well, but hadn't realized there was proof that moment ever existed until it sprang to life on her desk and took her breath away. That was his message to her.

"Uh… you alright, Shep?"

"Fine, thanks. Now, are you going to tell me why you're in my quarters?" Shepard slung the towel over her shoulder and made her way into the depths of her cabin to get dressed. There was no need for modesty at this point. Kasumi saw all there was to see by now.

"EDI said you were in distress and not responding, so she asked me to check on you. I knocked, but the only response I heard was an odd moaning so I let myself in to check on you."

A small twinge of embarrassment shot through her as she realized the shower didn't muffle as much as intended, but she kept it from reaching her face. "I tripped on the stairs; it hurt like a bitch," Shepard explained it away with a shrug. It was certainly believable enough, especially with the fresh wounds so obvious against her pale skin. Wearing only her undergarments, she sat down on the dark leather couch and began the monumental task of bandaging the myriad wounds marring her body, starting with the fresh gash along the knee that took the brunt of her weight as she fell. An angry floor-burn on her elbow would have to be next, since even the slight movement of air made it sting like hell. At this rate she was going to look like a mummy by the time she was finished. That may be awhile, though, since the large wound on her upper chest proved difficult but Shepard stubbornly struggled to cover it one-handed.

"Let me help; honestly, you don't have to do everything by yourself…" Kasumi sighed as she took the gauze and medi gel. "You'd never reach the other side of this anyway."

Shepard sat still while her wound was bandaged with care, and then Kasumi turned her around and resumed her task along her back. A cool shock made Shepard go numb at the realization the blade ran completely through. Just how close had she come… No, that was one train of thought she wasn't going to follow.

"You gave us all quite a scare last night," Kasumi said, her thoughts clearly going down the same path. Shepard awkwardly mumbled an apology, but that wasn't what Kasumi was after. Her hooded head tilted to one side as she stared intently at the Commander. "I saw a fear I've experienced firsthand, and it broke my heart. Second chances are rare, Shep; don't do anything you'll regret. It isn't too late to change your mind…"

"This isn't like your situation, Kasumi. We never even had a single date. This was a relationship that lasted maybe a month and was never official to begin with…"

"And everyone knew it before either of you would admit it to yourselves, even. It was only a month because it took you both that long to stop being so damn stubborn, and then you died." Kasumi stared down her commander, a soft, sympathetic smile on her lips. "Joker told me everything while you were in the med bay. I could've guess on my own, though. Your marine was practically beside himself while Doc worked on you. He loves you."

"And I'm protecting him."

"Funny, he didn't strike me as the type that needed protecting."

The two women sat in silence as the final statement rang through the air. It was true, but there was more to it than that. Kaidan was an Alliance man through-and-through; it was his life. Shepard was working with the enemy, and any interaction between them would make him suspect as well. And she was honest last night – this was most likely a one-way mission. She couldn't let him risk it all to end up with nothing.

A loud thud against the cabin door shattered the heavy silence. Shepard flared, prepared for the worst, as she ducked behind cover with a clear shot at her door. Kasumi was nowhere to be seen, but Shepard could feel her presence at her elbow. They were as ready as they could get.

The door opened and a thick cloud of stench filled the room as Garrus and Joker fell into a heap just inside the cabin. Both men laughed, neither bothering to stand. That was probably because they were too drunk to do so, based on the pungent fumes surrounding them. Shepard sighed dramatically and went to help her guys.

"I can't believe you both stumble up here, drunk off your asses at this time of day. Where the hell have you been?" Shepard admonished as she pulled Garrus to standing. He was the obvious first choice, since Joker would probably need to be carried to the couch.

"Fixing gates," Garrus slurred, and Joker laughed his ass off.

"It's mending fences, idiot."

"Yeah, what he said." Garrus swayed heavily on his feet as he tried to focus on the woman kneeling down to aid the other man. Kasumi took pity on him and led the turian to the couch while Shepard tucked Joker into her bed.

"I love you, but this isn't going to work. I need to be a good friend." Garrus mumbled but the words were practically incoherent as the translator scrambled to keep up with the drunken hisses and slurs. Shepard stiffened, not sure what the turian meant. This was not the time or conditions for this particular conversation, but since the topic had been broached… she sighed to herself and turned to face the music, but ended up laughing instead. The turian was out, his gentle snores filling the room. Shepard pulled a heavy blanket over his armored form and smiled to herself. She loved him, too - just not like he wanted... or deserved.

"Hey, I dropped your present," Joker called from the bed, his wild gesturing towards the door almost looking like a seizure. "I promised… I said…"

"Calm down, I'll get it. And don't you dare puke in my bed." Shepard called out as she made her way to the door.

An unfamiliar mass lay tucked against the wall where it fell along with the bearer. Her heart stilled as she recognized the familiar blue fabric of her favorite hooded sweatshirt – the one she threatened to steal on more than one occasion. His scent surrounded her as she held the garment aloft. That's when she noticed a single piece of paper peeking out from the pocket. She smiled warmly through the tears as she reread the message.

 _I'll still be waiting. Always. – K_


	17. Chapter 17

"Hey Shepard," Garrus called out without looking up from his work. He didn't have to look to know who the new arrival was. This stop had become a nightly ritual over the last month or so. It was a way for her to check for signs of wear among her crew as well as to decompress to sympathetic ear after the day's work. It was something he usually looked forward to, but part of him hoped she'd skip this one night considering the day they'd had. He knew better than that, though.

"That's all I get, just a _hey_?" Shepard probed a bit with the simple question. "I'm pretty sure the calibrations can wait. If we need weapons that finely tuned while we're docked on the Citadel then we have much bigger problems. In fact, I'd say we'd be fucked if we weren't so damn awesome."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right," Garrus chuckled as he finally turned away from the console. "Thanks for your help today. If you hadn't been there…"

"Not a problem." Shepard interrupted with a small wave. There was no reason to consider the what-ifs. That mission ended exactly as it needed to, and Sidonis better not forget it. "That's what friends are for. They help without being asked and remind you who you are when you're lost. It was about damn time I got to repay the favor."

"Speaking of… I thought it was about time you got a little gift for everything you've done. It comes from the heart."

"Garrus, I don't think that's appropriate…" Shepard began wearily. They'd hashed out everything looming between them shortly after her little breakdown and moved forward, but a gesture like this made her uncomfortable. Garrus was one of her best friends, part of her chosen close-knit family, even, but he could never be more. Her heart belonged somewhere else and she made that as clear as possible during their talk.

"You just had to make this awkward, didn't you?" he teased gently. "You can relax; it's from all of us. Kasumi will stop by your cabin a little later with more info. Now, if you don't mind…"

"Yeah, yeah… calibrations," Shepard chuckled. "Talk to you later, Garrus. Oh, and thanks for knocking Harkin out. I'll cherish that memory as long as I live."

* * *

Miranda leaned back in her chair and watched the two women on the silent video feed. The aquarium's blue glow illuminated Kasumi as she propped her feet up on the large leather couch and wasted no time helping herself to the drinks on the table while Shepard padded into view, arms fully loaded with enough food to last most people a week. Shepard wasn't most people; there weren't going to be any leftovers, that much was certain. Shepard was in her usual downtime attire of comfy pants and hooded sweatshirt and, as usual, the hood covered her head until it practically obscured her features. It was a habit she picked up while her scars were healing that only intensified recently when her hair reached an incredibly awkward stage and refused to be tamed. The short tendrils jutted in every direction like angry flames of a small brushfire, so they never saw the light of day anymore. There were other options, but Shepard turned her nose up at the mere suggestion of hairpins and headbands and the like. The hood was a much simpler solution.

Watching the two of them talk over drinks felt intrusive, but it was necessary; the Illusive man wanted constant updates on Shepard after her little disappearing act the last time they were on the Citadel. The fact that the audio just so happened to glitch out and nobody could fix it was a complete coincidence. That's her story and she was sticking to it. And the timing had nothing at all to do with the little surprise she helped plan, but that surprise wasn't in her reports, either. What the Illusive man didn't know wouldn't kill him.

There was a part of her – a small part – that was jealous of the easy, almost sisterly relationship Shepard and Kasumi shared, especially now that she knew exactly what she was missing. She was working on it, though, with Shepard's help. Nobody was perfect, after all.

A sharp movement on the screen caught Miranda's attention. Shepard punctuated what was no doubt a bawdy tale, based on both women's reactions, with a wild gesture. Unfortunately, she used the hand holding her glass. Both women jumped as alcohol sloshed onto the table and floor and they froze for only a moment before deciding that was the funniest thing they'd seen, and both women doubled over. Kasumi, not to be outdone, knocked the bottle over as she fell to the ground with laughter. The mess was clear even through the video feed. True to form, Shepard jumped up and ran to fix their mess with Kasumi hot on her heels.

Miranda's keen eyes followed the two women across the monitors as they made their way from Shepard's seating area and disappeared into the bathroom as the door slid closed behind them. Not only was that where Shepard kept her cleaning supplies, but it also appeared they both got considerable amounts of wine on them. That had to be sticky. That was just conjecture, though, since there were no bugs in that one room. Everyone deserved a modicum of privacy, no matter what the Illusive man thought. A few minutes passed when both women emerged and resumed their revelry, but it was short lived. The glasses went dry in no time since the bottle lay empty on its side, an early casualty of the night. Taking that as her cue, Kasumi stood and gave Shepard a quick hug then disappeared into nothingness. She always preferred to be cloaked anyway since it often led to better gossip. Shepard stood and surveyed her room, shrugged, then slipped into the large bed and turned out the lights. There was nothing more to see.

* * *

Joker turned at the sound of the airlock opening, but the bridge appeared empty. That could only mean one thing. "Good to see you, Kasumi," he quipped, "and good luck picking up Shepard's gift. Just don't get caught. I don't want to wake her up to bail your ass out."

The door slid closed without a reaction. "Fine, don't answer me. I see how it is…" Joker mumbled to himself as he turned back to the questionable sites pulled up on his screen.

* * *

The infiltrator slid effortlessly through the Citadel. It was always so much easier when nobody could see you. The streets bustled with energy, which was odd for this time of night, but it made random bumps and nudges easier to explain away. For some reason everyone seemed to be in a good mood despite the congestion as she followed the flow of traffic through the shopping areas.

"… and this is my favorite store on the Citadel," the familiar voice rang out from a store's entrance as she passed. The same phrase echoed from several other stores along the path too. She chuckled lightly and rolled her eyes so hard they practically disappeared into the back of her head. It had become a running joke on the Normandy, but hearing it in person was cringe-worthy as well as borderline ridiculous. She steeled herself for the same stock phrase as she approached the last shop.

"Merry Christmas!" an old man called out as he hauled a full bag over his shoulder. She stopped cold in shock, narrowly avoiding being toppled by a fresh surge of bodies. Was it that time of year already? It felt impossible, but time blended together into one dark blur while in space. Human-centric holidays like those weren't common outside Earth, but little signs sprang into view now that she knew what to look for. Little red bows hung from the shop's lettering and a lit wreath graced the large glass window. Maybe the ugly branch littered with old metal was supposed to be a tree, though that one was hard to tell for sure. It was all subjective when viewed through alien eyes, and she was sorely out of festive spirit to begin with. She just hadn't bothered with such revelry since… well, since she didn't have anyone with which to share them anymore. The familiar darkness called out to her from within, but she ignored it. There were people to celebrate with, and she'd get back to them as soon as possible. In fact, this was the perfect time for a few extra gifts to make the trip back once she had the one that started this whole thing. The tricky part was following the half-assed directions she'd been given in the first place. It would've been so much easier if Garrus just sent a nav point, but no…

After spending more time wandering around the Citadel than acceptable, the plain building appeared on the horizon. It was marked with the single blue flag, just as they promised. The thick hedge proved a perfect place to tuck in while she waited the few minutes it took for the main door to open so she could slide through unnoticed. There was no point risking everything with impatience when she was this close, especially when there were so many more people out and about to notice a door opening by itself. Besides, a few minutes were nothing at this point. A turian weighed down with several bags, most likely a delivery person, slowed as he neared the building. This was her shot. She slid in effortlessly with everyone in the lobby none the wiser. As luck would have it, the rest of the trip looked like it was going to be just as smooth. The delivery person stepped onto a waiting elevator and pushed the button for the same floor as her destination. All she had to do was enjoy the ride in silence and stay out of the way, which was simple since the young turian was plugged in to some ear-grating music and completely oblivious to his surroundings. The ride was short and entertaining; she'd never seen a turian dance before. Maybe Garrus could be convinced if plied with enough alcohol… that would be well worth the price. She followed him out of the elevator, slipping between the closing doors with ease. The hardest part was stifling her laughter as he danced awkwardly down the corridor and she followed in his wake. With one eye on the numbered doors, she slowly realized they were heading for the same door. They had to be; it was the last one on the floor. At least that would make getting in a piece of cake.

Now, if only someone would answer the damn door. The turian pounded a second time, the harsh staccato every bit as impatient as she felt. After what felt like an eternity, a masculine voice called out from the depths within, and then the door finally opened.

Her heart lurched into her throat as the silhouette appeared, framed by low blue and white lights from decorations within. The color combination combined with the slow music managed to be festive and sad all at once, which only made her ache. Should she proceed? Would it only make things worse? She froze as shock took over.

Silence filled the hall as the man stared in confusion. "Um… I think you have the wrong place. I didn't order anything."

It wasn't too late; she was fully cloaked and nobody knew she was there. She could just leave – go back to the Normandy and pretend this never happened. But then all that effort would be wasted. Everyone went through so much trouble for her to back out due to cold feet. The infiltrator slipped into the room and waited, her stomach spinning nervously.

"This was the address they gave me, man," the turian responded evenly. "It's already paid for and everything. Look, you're my last stop of the night. Just take it so I can go home."

There was no reason to argue with that logic. The man shrugged and took the large bag off the delivery man's hands. At least there was one package to open, now. And it was a surprise. That didn't really cheer him, though. There was only one thing he really wanted, and it was definitely not in those bags.

It all connected in a flash and she sat back on the comfortable furniture in amused appreciation of her coworkers. No wonder getting in had been so easy – a month's pay said that delivery was ordered by Garrus and Joker. They thought of everything when planning this out. And they did a damn good job, if the smell was any indication. She'd be lucky if her stomach didn't give her away.

The man whisked past her, completely oblivious to his hidden guest. "Merry Christmas to me," he muttered forlornly as he set the bags on the empty table.

The way his shoulders hung, his voice cracked… it was too much for her to bear. There was no room for hesitation any longer. The cloak dissolved with the push of a button and the infiltrator appeared on the couch as the man turned around.

"Kasumi," he asked in disbelief, "what are you doing here?"

She stepped forward tentatively, weary of rejection but unable to keep the distance any longer. There was no going back now, even if she wanted to… and she didn't. There was no place she'd rather be. She pushed the hood back and smiled, her tears catching and reflecting the festive lighting throughout the room. A gasp tore from his lips as his eyes widened in disbelief, and then he closed the distance in a flash and swept her into his arms. Both of them shook and as they held tight, their bodies fitting together perfectly. This was the real gift.

"Merry Christmas, Kaidan," she whispered into his ear.

Kaidan pulled back, his wide eyes glistening with raw emotion. It was too good to be true, yet here she was. His Christmas wish came true.

"Merry Christmas, Shepard."


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: Sorry about the delay. I really couldn't figure out how I wanted to end this. Thanks for reading, and a special thank you to everyone who reviewed, followed and faved. It really kept me going.

* * *

The doors to the Normandy slid open without fanfare or bidding. They'd seen her coming and anticipated her arrival, but didn't make her beg for admittance. She was simply coming home.

"Hey, Shep, long time no see," Joker teased the moment she slinked onto the bridge. Of course he wouldn't let her past without a smartass remark - or more, depending on how long she remained in place. "How was leave?"

"Nice… restful," she replied vaguely, but her coy smile said everything words didn't.

"Yeah, thought so. I usually look like I could sleep for a week straight after three full days of non-stop rest, too." Joker grinned wickedly. "You've never had that much _rest_ in your life," Shepard shot back instinctively. That truth only egged him on. "Must've stayed somewhere nice since they gave you a sweatshirt for your walk-of-shame – I mean your departure. I swear I've seen it somewhere before… and it looks like it's a size too big. Huh… I wonder where you were…"

"Yeah, yeah," Shepard waved off the implications with a grin, but he didn't see it. His attention was already focused back on the one true love of his life – the Normandy's control screen. He didn't see the attack already set in motion.

"Heads up – it looks like fun-sponge Kelly's on her way up…"His train of thought was derailed mid-sentence. Muffled shouts of protest took their place as he swatted against the surprise embrace with half-assed futility. "Hey, I have a reputation to maintain here," he groused as Shepard laid a quick kiss on his whiskered cheek.

"Thank you. For everything," she whispered in his ear.

Jeff cocked his head just enough to look his friend in the eye. "Things all sunshine and rainbows again?"

Shepard bit her lip and shook her head once, subtly but firmly. "No, but I didn't expect them to be. But now I feel like I still have a place in this universe. I'll take that and work on the rest once we get back."

"That's my girl," Joker replied low enough to avoid being overheard by the woman rapidly descending on them. "Once we get back. That's what I wanted to hear." He gave Shepard's pale hand a covert squeeze as they regained professional distance before lips started flapping, since the mother of all gossips was almost upon them.

"There you are! Shepard, we've been worried sick. You disappeared from your cabin three days ago and nobody knew where you were..."

"Don't worry, Kelly. Someone would've found me if it was an emergency."

"But everyone I asked said they had no idea how to reach you…"

"Then it wasn't an emergency." Shepard shut down any further discussion of that topic firmly. "Last I checked this is my ship and crew. Everyone was granted the same leave that I took full advantage of, and as far as I'm concerned I am accountable to nobody else in my free time…" The uncomfortable, barely contained panic on the young Cerberus operative's face distracted Shepard to the point that her words trailed off. "What is it, Kelly?"

"The Illusive Man is furious and wants you to report in immediately." She wouldn't – or couldn't make eye contact, so she busied herself watching her thumbs wrestle against one another. Somehow she managed to both win and lose to herself.

"Well he'll just have to wait. Near as I can tell, I still have two hours of leave left. And he will deal with it. He's a big boy; he should be used to disappointment by now." A strangled cry of fear squeaked from the young woman after those terse words. Shepard laid a soothing hand on Kelly's shoulder and smiled encouragingly. "And you're not on the hook. This is between me and him."

"Yes, Commander," Kelly stuttered as Shepard turned and sauntered away.

"Try pulling your nose out of his ass, Kelly. The universe smells so much better out here." Shepard called over her shoulder, much to Joker's delight. Kelly wasn't a bad person, just way too brainwashed by ol' creepy eyes. Hopefully she'd take this advice and run with it. Things would be so much better for everyone involved if she listened. that step was up to her, though.

Shepard hummed to herself while she waited for the elevator. That exchange went better than expected (and she did expect it), so the day was looking up. Honestly, everything was. She and Kaidan managed to talk about everything that happened despite most of their time being involved in more… physical pursuits, and they were in as good a position as possible under the circumstances. That did bring to mind the next task on her list, though. A shower was definitely needed before anything else. Then she could save humanity.


End file.
